At the beginning of my world race, the thought of sharing my testimony on my blog was a 100% no-go. I was terrified of it and I figured God would never make me do that. Then at some point while i was on the field, the Lord told me I was going to be sharing what He has done in my life, the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. But I ignored His voice for a long time.
I recently finished a 40 day fast with a focus on prayer with my church. Since the beginning of it, I have heard the Lord’s voice in more ways than one…and one of the things He’s said to me multiple times, through multiple avenues, is to share my testimony because He wants to use it to change someone’s life.
I am a firm believer that our testimony is our witness…but ONLY if we let God take control and share the incredible things, whether beautiful or ugly, that HE has done in our lives.
So with much fear and anticipation, I want to share with you my testimony—The witness the Father has given me that points to Him and His goodness. I pray for restored relationships, much forgiveness, hearts to be moved and for God-sized change to happen in your life—even if my testimony has nothing to do with it. I ask in advance for grace, forgiveness and understanding as this is something I never wanted to do but step out in obedience doing for His Kingdom.
I am NEW. I have been made a new creation through Jesus and this past year, specifically, God has changed my life and my heart. I walk in much freedom, although I am still held in bondage at times to anxiety and stress. I have learned how to forgive and release others from the bitterness I used to harbor within my heart. I have grown in my gifts and walk daily in the gift of empathy and healthy service and I daily spend time with the Lord to draw near to Him and be filled with His Holy Spirit. But I didn’t get to where I am easily. It took trials, hurts, pains, mistakes and frankly, lots of sin.
So let me share with you how I got here…
I grew up in a good home, wonderful Christian parents who weren’t perfect but raised us to love Jesus. They taught us the importance of faith, family and fellowship. My childhood consisted of camping and hunting trips, family game nights and devotions after dinner and always hosting Thanksgiving for family, friends and strangers. We had a revolving door and still do to this day. My parents weren’t and aren’t perfect (as no one is) and I praise God for forgiveness, restoration and redemption that has happened and is yet to come!
In 2014, I left on a semester of study abroad. I was dating a great young man who was faithful, trustworthy and respectful of my purity. We had already done long distance for a little while and had every intention of this being forever.
I started my classes in Spain and began making friends and going out occasionally for a drink here and there. I was careful and tried to be respectful of my boyfriend but failed many times from half way across the world. There was one weekend in particular that I took a quick weekend trip to visit a friend in another country. I put myself in a bad situation and wound up drunk and unable to fully recognize what was happening. I remember very little from this night but my purity was violated and I betrayed not only my boyfriend but more importantly God. I was taken advantage of and there was nothing I could do to change it.
I sat in my shame for almost a week before telling my boyfriend and he immediately broke up with me, seemingly disgusted by what I had done. At the time, I believed it was fully my fault this had happened and I blamed myself completely for this lack of judgement and stupidity that would change my life forever.
As time went on, I began to remember a little more of that night. I remembered saying I wanted something that I really didn’t. I remember then trying to stop it and not being physically able to. But the shame was pressing in on me HARD. I began having suicidal thoughts and depression and my mentality had changed from purity to, ‘its already lost so screw it’. This was the beginning of a long cycle of promiscuity in my life. But God is good and He continued to protect me and show mercy to me as I defied His desire for my life. But because of His great grace, He put an incredible human in my life for the rest of my study abroad who challenged me, asked me questions about God, kept me talking about Him and frankly, was used by God to keep me alive even though he wasn’t a believer. I talked about God and this faith I had but in my mind was doubting the actual existence and goodness of my Savior.
When I returned home, I struggled with the reality of what my life was now, the loss of an incredible man, the doubt I had in God and continued manifesting my deep desire to be loved in completely wrong ways. I fell into this pattern of promiscuity and felt loved and wanted only to be let down time and time again. I dated men who used me, men who emotionally and verbally abused me, men who used manipulation and deception to keep me around, I committed adultery and created a colored canvas of sin in my life. All the while, I talked the talk of Jesus and my faith in Him and the relationship I had with Him. But as I read the other week in 1 John, ‘a true believer cannot habitually sin or they are not truly of God’. I was living so far from the will of God but I was blinded to this by my sin.
Right before graduation, fall of 2015, I heard about the World Race and thought it was such a cool opportunity to go travel the world! I applied, went through the interview process and was accepted. But God had other plans—He quickly shut down the possibility of leaving on the race and instead opened the door to a trip to Israel. I was in an extremely unhealthy and sinful relationship at the time and God used this trip to Israel to strip me of this relationship, draw me to Himself and bring His word to life as I walked the streets of Jerusalem. This was the beginning of a turning point in my life although God wasn’t done writing my story yet. Upon returning, I hadn’t fully given up my control and let God control my life and I continued to live in sin, although I was freed from that past relationship.
Then, in August of 2017, right after hurricane Harvey hit Houston, one of my dear friends and I visited a new church together. On this first Sunday, the pastor announced opportunities to serve and bless those whose homes had been destructed by the waters of Harvey. God pulled the strings of my heart and for 2 weeks I served, pulling out mucky carpet, tearing down walls, dragging mushy furniture and belongings out of these homes and God gave me a passion for serving. This was when the Lord called me to the World Race. I realize now that in 2015, my intention for doing the race was simply to travel and now, God had called me to go unto the nations and be His hands and feet and traveling was just a bonus. So I applied and was quickly accepted to the October 2018 launch window.
While serving with Harvey relief, I was invited to one of the young adults Sunday school groups. My friend and I started getting plugged in and I tried to establish a community there. Around the time of my acceptance to the race, I went on a date with a guy from that group…there was something about him that was so pure, so much like Jesus. But I still wasn’t fully living in Gods will for me and I turned him down for a second date wanting to date someone else instead, someone who was, at the time, in jail. I used the race as my excuse and began a relationship with this other man. It quickly became full of manipulation, unhealth and sin and although I wanted out, I couldn’t seem to leave. I even accepted his proposal only a month into dating because of the intense manipulation I was under and the charm that is so deceptive. I finally found the courage to break it off and walk away in June of 2018 and I slowly began to desire the things of God.
I left on the race in October of that year and my walls, pride, need for control, shame, need for a relationship with a man and so much more were stripped from me. Over the course of that year, as you may have read in my blogs, I learned what true and sacrificial service is, what humility looks like, how to let go of the things I can’t control and let God do the work. I learned that all my affirmation and affections come from the Lord and He is all I need. I experienced the chains of bondage break and fall to the ground and I walked into freedom that I didn’t know existed. I got to the point where I told God that I was okay if I never married because He was all I needed and I learned how to abide in the Holy Spirit.
Now here I stand, almost 8 months since returning home, and the Lord has never been more real to me. He has answered prayers I have prayed, began even more healing in relationships and within my family and I hear His voice often.
But as you have just seen, this intimacy with the Father didn’t come without its fair share of pain and sin. My testimony is broken and riddled with sin…maybe yours is to. Maybe you’re ashamed to share the ‘disgusting’ parts of your story…I know where you’re at. I’ve been there and honestly I’m there as I post this blog. But God is so much bigger than any scrutiny I may receive because of posting this. And trust me, He’s bigger than your past and He’s conquered and forgiven your sin. You can walk in the light as He is in the light…and when you do, it’s not easy, but the blessings that come are innumerable and incomparable to anything I’ve ever experienced that the world can offer.
I pray this encourages you to share your story and use your God-given testimony as a witness for the Kingdom. He wrote your story and He wants to share it to change lives. What are you waiting for?
