Blog attempt #3 today. The words aren’t flowing from my fingers like they used to. Maybe getting 5-6 hours of sleep each night x 3 weeks is wearing on me. Or maybe it’s just harder to put words to what I’m experiencing. Blog attempt #1 was a rant about how missionaries shouldn’t westernize the cultures they serve, and that my obedience is more important than seeing fruit from my labor. Attempt #2 was a description of how I’ve grown in the last 9 months. Boring.
Take 3: Obedience. But not convoluted through a discussion about missions, just my own heart issue with it. I definitely have not taken lightly to the idea of submitting to the Lord. I’m American- we’re encouraged to be independent, self-serving, and to let our desires rule our actions. This is a process of reversing about 25 years of cultural norms.
In Thailand, I talked myself into believing that I both want to and insist on exercising my free will, but it was only to rationalize my own desires. It took me a few weeks to come full circle. Ultimately, I learned that even though I can justify my thoughts or behaviors to myself, it doesn’t mean they are what are best for me. And being separated from God was the worst. I craved intimacy with Him more than I wanted to be “free.” Sometimes our perceived freedoms are actually masked chains. At the tail end of all that, I was filled with the most tangible sensation of longing to be a part of whatever plans he has for me, rather than my own. I humbly asked to come back.
I had tried to accuse him of forcing me into certain roles and situations. He refused to accept blame when it’s clearly me who chooses and refuses to do or say anything. He never inflicts his plans on us; they are always an open-palm invitation.
But the best part is this: His plans for me are better than my own. I’m too shortsighted to truly grasp what’s best for me. I think I’m finally gaining some ease in surrendering my thoughts and plans to God to let him take the lead, instead of fighting tooth and nail.
So walk away knowing this: His way is harder. It’s counterintuitive, denying our desire to gain instant gratification. His way will land you in situations where people around you think you’re kind of crazy. Walking with the Lord is supposed to include pain and suffering. It’s more challenging than doing whatever you want, whenever you want. The Race isn’t really that hard: following Christ is. So why bother? I didn’t leave such a bad life behind. I wasn’t at rock bottom when I landed in his arms just two years ago. I wasn’t even looking for Him. I had left him behind 10 years prior and tried to forget.
But I wasn’t free. My usual methods of self-fulfillment weren’t working anymore. I would wake up every day and think, “But what if I’m wrong? Eternity is a really long time.”
I won’t get into the “fire &brimstone” bit. I won’t (probably unsuccessfully) try to scare you into accepting Christ. I’m just saying that for me, I’m full now. Full of compassion and grace, full of contentment and peace. I’m relieved of doubt. He’s freed me from my chains. I have finally stopped looking.
Whenever you’re ready, He’s ready for you too.
And now, team Los Picantes is ready to move on from Peru. Our Parent’s Vision Trip is so soon, followed by an uber-long travel day to Bolivia for our 10th month! The end is in sight. Homeward bound in 10 short weeks.
