I haven’t read many blogs about re-entry, so maybe this will be the millionth about how/why it’s hard. It isn’t hard for reasons that I ever could have guessed.
I’m absolutely mortified that the best phrase to describe my thirty days at home is burned out. Like I got off the plane and wanted immediately to take a break from a rigid, structured, rule-abiding lifestyle. I’ve spent a few weeks reflecting on the idea that the Race definitely did not make me impenetrable to wrestling matches with the Lord. I still have days where it doesn’t make sense and I question my dedication.
For eleven months I woke up surrounded by other devoted believers who provided a high standard of integrity and accountability. I never had to make the choice about whether or not I’d choose the Lord’s will that day. It was integrated into my life every single day. So then I get home and suddenly have a buffet-style variety of choices in how to spend my time. Even though I mostly didn’t pick the junk, it was unnerving and caught me off guard to have so many possibilities at my fingertips.
I think a lot of people would insert here the importance of community and immediately surrounding yourself with the like-minded people to provide the same caliber of accountability. I don’t think so, necessarily. I think the Race was like training wheels on a bicycle. Who am I when I’m not influenced? What choices do I make when I don’t have six other opinions being chirped in my ear? What’s my style when I’m riding solo? How responsive am I to quiet nudges from the Spirit versus a constant dialogue with my teammates?
Unknowingly, I started to place excessive value in the relationships with my friends and family, and maybe even the patients at work. I’ve enjoyed spending time with them so much: I started to believe my delight at home came from them. I didn’t miss home much when I was on the field. But when I got home and started reconnecting, I realized that my friends&fam are the best. I don’t want to leave again so soon. I feel sad about my upcoming Kingdom Journey to South America because I more fully grasp what I’m leaving behind…again.
I sense that I’m having an accelerated version of re-entry realizations. I woke up today with a deep weight that the joy I’ve experienced at home comes from a fleeting source. If my contentedness doesn’t stem from the Lord, then it’s coming from the wrong place. Whoops. Better tweak that. The only thing that matters is continuing to work for the Kingdom. The only thing that will provide the spiritual fulfillment I crave comes from carrying out the Lord’s will. My friends will let me down, die, or forget about me someday. My only longstanding friendship is with Jesus.
So with a renewed focus and mission on my mind, I part ways again with my Sacramento community. After spending a few days outside of Atlanta, I’ll board yet another Delta flight to venture overseas. It’s the end of month 12 and back to month 1. See you in October, re-entry.
You can follow me now at:
meganbarretto.kingdomjourneys.org
