It’s not like I wake up in the morning and think, “Hmmm…what should I do today? Oh, I know! I’ll be a brat.” But somewhere, somehow, it creeps up on me. I don’t think I’m a jerk to the people around me- I try to love my team and the people we meet whole-heartedly. I’m a wretch toward the only person who loves me in spite of my disinterest.
In Africa, I was on fire. I had eyes only for the Lord. I spent a lot of my free time with him- nothing else fulfilled me enough. When we landed in Asia, all that melted away, like the sweat dripping down my back most days. It’s still hot in winter in Asia, in case you didn’t know. Anyway, I’m really grateful for the awesome moments I had with God in Africa. I cling to them when I feel myself slipping away.
Now, I have days where it’s a struggle to turn my gaze upward. It’s like wading through mud to pick up my Bible, or like clawing through quicksand to turn on worship music instead of secular. Don’t get me wrong- I still do those things. I’m not that easily deterred. And yea, I’m more aware of the spiritual atmosphere around me. I get that there’s a force working against me.
But I also know that sometimes it’s just me. It’s my rebellious, independent, flesh-eating, stiff-necked, self-serving, prideful self.
I guess I’m a little surprised at how flaky I must seem. I never thought of myself as someone lacking integrity, but when it comes to serving the Lord entirely, I fall short. One minute I’m loving on him, full of thanks and compassion. The next, I’m complaining and pointing out all the things he’s not doing right. Or I’m sharing with him how frustrating it is to feel like I don’t get to decide anything– that I have specific wants and it’s irritating that he may or may not provide them. What’s the point of getting excited about anything if he whimsically decides that there’s something “better” for me elsewhere? Why can’t I just obediently serve? Will I ever get to the point of embracing a submissive role?
I don’t know, but in the middle of all these questions remains a hopeful constant. Sometimes I love the Lord with all of me, and sometimes with just a small piece. Sometimes my arms and eyes and neck twist to seek fulfillment elsewhere, but my heart never gives way. Something deep inside of me knows not to stray too far away.
Even though I’m a brat, He loves me. And then he fills me up with supernatural grace and love for others. It’s a mystery why. I mean, I know why…but really, why? It’s awfully hard to receive so much affection without understanding it.
Apparently I have more questions than answers today.
Smooth transition- ministry! Team Poaday is searching Malaysia for Unsung Heroes. Our mission is to find new ministry contacts for future Adventures in Missions teams. It’s surprisingly difficult, and not so surprisingly full of delightful surprises. We’ve been spoiled with some free lodging and meals with local pastors.
Thank you for the donations- as you can see, the green status bar on top of my blog indicates that I am fully funded!!!
On the 23rd, we’ll fly to New York City for a daylong layover (to celebrate my 28th birthday, obviously) en route to Ecuador. We’ll be starting our fourth& final continent!
Adiós, amigo.
