This is probably my last blog from the Race field. I’m like a senior in high school about to walk the line at graduation- excited and nervous all at once. Ten days more of the nomadic life. Only ten more days to eat these bomb empanadas in Valparaiso, Chile.
I realized last night, belatedly, that I’ve probably grown more than I really comprehend. The Lord led me to the Race to show me my strengths and weaknesses, and to begin to grasp unconditionally loving others. But I’m probably a little bit tired. At home, the ebbs and flows of conviction & processing were slower and gentler. On the Race, growth has been a speedy & steady constant. It’s been challenging and rewarding, beautiful and messy all at once.
Part of me is eager to take a break, emotionally. Another part of me can’t imagine stopping now. And another voice chimes in to remind me that I’m not done. It’s not like I came on the Race as a broken person to get spit out 11 months later as a “done” pop-tart/person. There is no state of completion while breathing on earth.
All I can do is trust that the Lord will lead me through the post-Race process and provide me with whatever it is that I need. I just need you to know that the Race didn’t fix me. That I’m not coming home better or more spiritual or more worthy. I’m coming home just as broken as the day I left. If anything, I’m more aware of my shortcomings and more dependent on the Lord to heal me. I don’t deserve or want celebrity status. I bruise and bleed as easily as you.
It’s also bothersome to consider that a lot of the memories will blur and it will slowly become a lumped-together experience that feels rather distant. Hopefully I never forget the moments when the Lord delivered me from myself when I was at my lowest. What a funny thing that our memories fade so quickly. Maybe this is the way we’re forced to stay present, otherwise we’d be tempted to keep indulging in long-ago moments.
It appears as though I’ve written a relatively pointless blog. That’s the me you get today: the young/ish/old woman who’s still a little longwinded and doesn’t always speak with intentionality. I guess that’s one part of me that hasn’t changed.
See you soon, Red, White, and Blue.
