First off I just want to say I am so sorry for this being my first blog while on the race. I’ve now been on the field for two months and we are at the end of month two in Ecuador. I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to write this but stopped because I always felt like what I had to say wasn’t going to be up to the expectations of what a blog should be. However the other day I felt the Lord say just let go of the expectations because you will never meet them and man did this hit me hard. This not only hit me in the form of writing but to fully let go of the expectations I had set for this season of life. To say that these last two months have been nothing short of amazing would be a lie however it has taught me more about the deeper parts of who I am and about this life that I’m living. People ask me how I am doing and my usual response is good but I’m going to stop telling you Im good and tell you the truth. Truth hurts sometimes but I’m learning more than I ever thought I would in just two months.
In all honesty these last two months have been painful kind of like when you rip a tape and cotton “bandaid” off your arm taking all the hair off, yes that kind of pain. All the time were blinded by two things that until they are stripped away we don’t realize they’ve been blinding us from the life God has for us which is full of freedom, joy and light. Our expectations and comfort cover so much of ourselves up, they are like warm blankets covering us up not exposing us to the cold or in other words when the comfort is stripped the rawness of who we are or even who we are not is exposed. This exposes the brokenness, the wounds and scars. Im learning that the stripping of our comforts and expectations allows the Lord to heal, restore and opens your heart to trust more freely.
Here are some expectations I had coming into the race but were quickly crushed. I expected living in community would be easy I’ll quickly say it is not. No personal space, quiet time, or being alone ever is allotted when living in community this making me realize how much patience I lack. I expected people to be like the people back at home but they aren’t in fact a lot of them are completely different and honestly not as easy to let into my life as others. This has shown me how crazy God is that he creates people so unique but also he has shown me that people are worth fighting for because love is not easy in any type of relationship. Jesus died on the cross for us and not one part of me can imagine that would be easy however he fought for us because his love for us is so great. This teaches me that I need to fight harder for relationships because the battle isn’t over until were both walking freely together in the love of Jesus. I expected to see growth and healing to happen over night but I’m realizing these things take time. A lot of times we don’t realize were growing because sometimes it means pain and the little things to grow us. Growth has been happening in the painful places but I look back and I can see it so clearly. My expectations were to be stripped of my comfort but I didn’t understand what that actually looked like until I was fully unclothed from it. I have learned and realized things about myself that if the clothes of comfort were not removed I would not have seen the unhealed scars and wounds.
This leads me right into the comforts Ive been stripped away of. At home I found comfort in friends but I found that they had just become a distraction. Don’t get me wrong I love my people back at home but I learned my reliance was usually on them and not the Lord. Now my full reliance is on the Lord because he’s all I have, my whole life is founded in him not them. Here’s me being super vulnerable with you, I used to find comfort in the control I had over my food because after several years of fighting my own self, body image, and food; its easy to say I don’t struggle to starve myself or hate who I am thinking Ive been walking in freedom of this when in reality it’s only been contentment. He completely stripped me of the reality I lived at home, it made it easier to walk in boldness but I’m starting to learn he wants me to walk in complete boldness wherever he takes me.
The last couple of weeks have been extremely hard, they have been filled with spiritual attacks from the enemy, anxiety attacks and sickness that I just felt like I could not seem to get up from. A friend pulled me aside and started to tell me something that hit me like a brick. Her words were I love you but your living in the victim circle; you have the choice and authority to fight this battle and get up and walk in joy. This doesn’t mean its easy but it means we don’t have to stay down. I started to think about a little example related to life so here it is. Many people get “stuck” in a job that they hate or are miserable in because it’s the only thing they know or can see. They have become so comfortable in what they know their eyes have been blinded from all that is out there. The truth is that nobody is forcing anyone to stay “stuck” they choose not leave or fight for a better life. The authority is theirs. What if people put their lives in the hands of God and just jumped out of the comfort zone freedom and joy would be at your doorstep. There is a greater life when comfort is abandoned because opportunities become clearer, truth becomes clearer and you can then see who you really are in the raw. Just like sugar in the raw, its the real thing. We can be just like that.
Now for me it’s time that I start fighting harder claiming the life that Jesus has already fought and won for me. The authority has been freely given to me to stand up and start living a glorious life. This doesn’t mean it won’t be full of challenges in fact there are a lot but that is the very way we grow as humans. When challenges do come my heart will be rooted and established in love. I challenge you to jump out of your comfort also let go of the expectations because you will always be dissapointed; open your hands and hearts wide open to jump into the complete fullness the Lord has for you. My promise is that it will be super sweet kind of like sugar.
