My heart hurts, physically feeling as if somebody is standing on my chest with sharp shoes on. My mind is being thrown around as if it keeps hitting walls of doubt and lies overwhelming my soul, saying where is your God, he is not here, he does not care, he is not good. Utter fear as if someone is standing over me waiting to pounce keeps me up all hours of the night keeping me feeling alone and timid. I see big black shadows on the walls that make me want to hide under my covers as if I’m five years old again. My stomach aches and rejects any substance put In my body. An over abundant amount of sadness overflows my soul, forcing me into a ball on my bed to cry for hours. Unsettling feelings as if something weird is happening but your on the outside trying to see in to what’s going on but you just can’t.
All of these feelings are what have kept me feeling small the last couple of days. They’ve literally kept me pinned down, fearful, and chained to the enemy’s trap. I wish I could say this is just me but it isn’t just me, this isn’t just because I’m over seas, it’s not sickness, this is not something small to be taken lightly. To often people ignore the greater reality of these situations because they either don’t believe it to be true, they’re scared because it is true or they don’t recognize it for what it really is because they can’t discern it. Before coming on the race I knew spiritual warfare was a real thing but never realized the extent of just how real it is and how much there is a battle raging in the heavenly realms. Now I know some may not agree with this but spiritual warfare is real; it is everywhere all the time whether or not you can discern it and it needs to be recognized for what it is. For me I recently have learned that I’ve been given the gift of discernment. I can discern heavy spirits allowing me to feel physical heaviness more than others and these feelings I’ve felt the last couple of days arise and honestly I don’t completely know how to handle it yet. There are days where I feel this gift to be more of a curse than anything. Thinking back on my past I could always feel the heaviness of situations, or an unsettling feeling I got when I went somewhere, I never understood it but now I’m able to see it more clearly. Others never understood it either why I would say hey something isn’t right here and the weight I would feel physically throughout my whole body.
Last week our squad spent three days in Siem Reap at an event for racers on the field called the Awakening. There were four squads there from the world race, this was a week I was poured into by others and a time where I heard the Lords voice like I never had before. He spoke restoration, joy, and so much hope into my relationships and I felt spiritually awakened for once. I had this feeling that I was so close to the Lord and for once I knew it, I believed it, felt it and could see he was with me right there sitting beside me. Leaving the awakening I came home so eager to finish the second half of the race, I knew what I wanted and knew I was going to chase after it with my whole heart, not allowing fear to get in the way. Because what would you do if you had no fear, for me everything.
The second we returned back home to Battambang the sadness started to kick in. At first I had no idea what it was, why I felt the way I did. I thought I’m just tired but tiredness quickly turned into much more than just feeling sleepy. Sunday I woke up feeling all the emotions I described earlier. Sickness has been taking over our squad and the downcast feeling I felt has been attacking not only me. I lost my sight Sunday, the only thing that leads me through the darkness was gone because I looked down. I didn’t just look down I looked around to left and right but never up, not once. That night I broke down into tears weighed down by all that was coming against me trying so hard to just sit and look up to the Lord. As I sat there sobbing on the kitchen floor holding tightly on to my squadmates hands she guided me into a time where I was sitting talking to the Lord. Even after sitting and resting in the Lord, I went to bed wondering do you actually believe any of those things. Before I even fell asleep, I chose not to look up but to continue to look down because the battle seemed too hard to fight. During the night I was abruptly woken up overwhelmed by darkness and I heard the faint whisper of pray, you have the authority to pray big prayers. That night was long.
Monday came rolling around and the thought of having to get up and do life made me sick. I felt like I couldn’t move nor did I want to, the heaviness was real. My break that day was spent spending an hour asking the Lord this question, here’s what he had to say.
“Jesus where are you right now in this time?” “I’m right beside you don’t you know that, standing firm holding your hand and walking you through even when you feel blind. I have your hand and I’m pulling you along not forcibly but tenderly. I deeply care and have compassion for you as my daughter who I would never want anyone to take so I make sure to hold you and watch you at all times assuring you that your mine and no one else’s.”
That night during worship the Lord brought up Daniel 3 to me. This is the story of Meshach, Shadrack, and Abednego.
Daniel 3: 16-18
“16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
King Nebuchadnezzar wanted the three to bow down to the false gods and worship them however they stood firm disregarding his command and stayed faithful to the Lord and knew his promises. They were thrown into a fiery furnace but came out unscathed and untouched and instead of three there were four. Jesus walked with them through the fire the whole time. We’re in a place right now where false gods are idolized and the spirit of fear reigns over this place, it’s scary but he promises he will be there and proves it by his word.
Tuesday morning was another day where I felt the heaviness of life and the burden. On a tuk tuk ride to ministry I spent my time asking the Lord, where are you today, why do I still feel this way and what do I do to escape this because nothing seems to be working. All I could hear was “just look up”, all day I had to continuously remind myself to just look up. My real question was, “how do I just look up?”. Well when we align our focus and our eyes on the enemy’s schemes then that’s all we will ever see, you won’t see goodness, you won’t have peace because those aren’t the enemy’s attributes. However when your eyes begin to focus on Jesus, you will see his tender hand ready for you to grab on to. Avoidance of the Lord is ultimately one of the worst things we can do as Christians. It says I don’t trust, I don’t rest in assurance, and without the intimacy of a relationship with our father how do you ever have peace. His heart breaks to know we struggle but avoid time to sit and rest with him. That’s what he wants most, to just sit and gaze into his eyes and talk.
Wednesday while I was sitting at a coffee shop I took time to just look up. I decided to sit and talk with the Lord, as I sat there I heard the words, “go read Psalm 42!”. At first I thought this is just myself because usually when this happens I’m led to some crazy thing that doesn’t relate at all. However as soon as I opened up my bible it was just the first page I turned to.
Psalm 42: 5-9
5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
6 My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
8 By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
This downcast feeling has been evident the last couple of days and I was reminded because right in His word it says to put your hope in God. If you call yourself a son or daughter of the king then you can’t have hope without faith but you can say you have faith but not have hope at all. He is the same God so even if…. praise and worship. In verse 9 it says, “why have you forgotten me?” I think often we ask this question but really the only one who should ask this is the Lord himself. He asks us, ” why have you forgotten me, my power, my glory, my goodness, love, compassion and my protection over you?” We ask, ” why must I go about mourning oppressed by the enemy?” But he ask, ” Why do you go about mourning oppressed by the enemy when the victory has already been won?”. While at the awakening someone said “we’re not fighting for victory, we’re fighting from victory!” Why do we act as if we don’t know if the battle is going to be won or not when he says it’s finished, it’s won. I hate the enemy, he makes me sad, he makes me mad, furious in fact but the matter of the fact is that I have to stop mourning and allowing oppression to overcome me but to just look up.
