When arriving at training camp I was numb. I struggled to feel and I didn’t allow myself to feel because of fear. The fear of rejection, embarrassment, and failure, I had built walls guarding myself from these feelings. I only let people or God get so far.
First off, training camp was HARD, possibly the hardest week of my life. The first few days I fought so hard against myself, others, and God. I kept hearing the lies I’ve told myself for years, if you let go you will lose everything, hold tight, hold tight. I didn’t let others get to know me, because I was scared that they would see right through me and judge me.
All of the activities that the staff at AIM put us through brought our squad together. Whether it was being hungry together, making healthy living choices, or worshiping our God together we became a family. Over and over again I was amazed by the care and love I was receiving by my squad, the staff, and God. I just didn’t understand this because I was giving nothing, but was receiving so much. I just met these people but they treated me like I was always family.
Unconditional love is a very complicated thing….one that I have never really understood. In my mind you have to do something to receive love, but this is just not the case. The thing I was told and taught over and over again this past week was that “I am Loved”. I heard this from my squad who spoke truth into my life and the staff who were there to lead us down this crazy path to brokenness. Most importantly my God, who was consistently telling me that he loves me just how I am even with my mistakes and walls. I am Loved.
There is so much I need to learn about love and many walls that need to be torn down but the past week at training camp changed my thinking and how I processed my thoughts. The most exciting part of this is that the journey has just begun. I can’t wait to see how God uses me and my squad to share his love to the world.
