I got home about a month and a half ago. Coming home has been an interesting mash-up of super excellent reunions with people I have missed and then also super overwhelming situations such as, what side of the road do I drive on? Where do I throw my toilet paper? What language are we speaking here? There is also this realization that I don’t really know what I want to do with my life anymore- I have these new desires and things I want to pursue, but where do I start? After about two weeks home the high and excitement of actually being home subsided and then the reality hit.
I don’t think I even want to be here.
Now, if you are reading this and you’re a friend of mine, please don’t think this means I wasn’t excited about seeing you and spending time with you. But, America just doesn’t really feel like a home anymore. ( I could go from here into the point of how as Christians we never feel at home anywhere because our home isn’t until Heaven, but I’ll spare you that rant for today and instead just be really real about how this actually went).
Once this realization hit, I had decided in my mind I would spend as minimal time back home as possible. I would finish a few things up and spend time with my family & friends and then, I’d be off again! Who knows where next! Just a mission heart that can’t be contained.
This is what I wanted & I don’t think it’s wrong to desire this. In fact, God has given each of us desires and passions that burn on our heart and they are from Him and they are GOOD. He loves to dream with us about the future and how He can use us to change nations, to change hearts, to create hope and opportunity for people. So, my conviction here isn’t that these things were wrong, it’s that I wasn’t putting it in God’s hands & it wasn’t on His timing. I realized I was neglecting His voice during this time because I so desperately wanted my call to be back on the mission field ASAP, I assumed surely God will send me back right away, but I was wrong.
If I could sum up to you in one word what the biggest “theme” of being back home for a month and a half I would say
SURRENDER.
And, boy, has it been painful.
Surrender is defined as- to deliver up or yield (something) to the possession or power of another on demand or under duress. This is a mighty act that isn’t easy or fun. There is a price to pay. But, the difficulties that come with surrendering can hardly compare to the reward. And sometimes, the reward isn’t something you’ll get to see for months or years. But whatever it is, whatever the cost, God sees it. He sees you and He is doing something far greater than you could ever imagine when you submit to His will, surrender your plans and expectations, and follow His leading. That is when the blessing comes.
The place I am in right now is recognizing the price I have to pay. The price I have to pay looks like giving up MY expectations of how my life should look and TRUSTING God. It looks like letting my heart be spread across the nations and in some places I don’t know if I’ll ever return to again. Creating lasting friendships that might have to wait for eternity- and that is hurting. It looks like saying YES to things that are scary and out of my comfort zone, but that God has clearly lined up.
If I am being honest with you guys, it has taken me up until this past week to really get to that place. To officially surrender and say, okay God, I trust you that if you want me back in the nations that time will come, BUT it’s not yet. If I just sit around and “dream” my life away… I am missing what God has for me RIGHT in this moment. Right here & right now. Our God is a God of today after all.
I’m excited to say that He has been faithful in my surrendering. It’s almost as if immediately He started putting things on my heart and in my lap of what He has me doing in my city in my country- back home. What’s even better than that is I’m not just dragging my feet along skeptical or frustrated for the next X amount of months/years until He sends me again, but He has been faithful to burn my heart for being back home. He is burning my heart for our nation, for the youth of this nation, for the brokenness in this nation, and so much more & there is an excitement and passion stirring in my heart to be right where I am.
In one vision God showed my hands open, facing the heavens, & He spoke to me, “don’t you see I will bless what you surrender to me”. This is what He is best at after all! I am eager to have my life in the hands of a God who knows me so much better than I could ever know myself & each step of the way- each fun adventure that He takes me on I get to trust that His way is the only way.
