Hola from Honduras!
I do not even know where to begin. I will use this post to summerize launch and my first week in Honduras. God has already been working in my heart and challenging me and it has only been 10 days since I left home.
For starters I will talk about launch and what happened there. So I left for Atlanta last Saturday for launch. Launch consisted of trainings, good-byes, prayers, worship, sessions, and did I mention prayer? At launch God brought up a lot of “stuff” from my past that I thought was history.
(Berfore I continue I want to make a quick note, I know some of my students are reading my blogs, so parents read this before and then use your own discretion)
I will write about this more in a different post but I want to mention it here. God brought up my past sexual abuse at launch. I was so confused and had no idea why He brought that back up. I mean I was healed, I had forgave (I will write about my forgiveness process in a later blog), and broken relationships were being mended. God really did take the ugly and turn it into something beautiful in my life. When God brought all this up, I was talking with a member on my team about it, I had no idea why I started sharing about my past abuse, but it all poured out (in a good kind of way). I shared about my abuse, the freedom I felt after I let go of all the guilt and shame that held me captive for years, and I shared about my forgiveness process. I left it at that, and we moved on. Well that night at worship something super crazy happened.
At the beginning of worship, the worship leader had us all yell “freedom”, so I did… I screamed it as loud as I could. This word was a very vital part of my healing process. I held a lot of guilt and shame from my past that held me captive for years The day I was able to forgive myself and let go of all that guilt and shame, I felt so much freedom. I was free to love (myself and others), free to forgive (myself and others), and free to be whoever I wanted to be. So yelling “freedom” that night at launch reconfirmed it all for me.
Then the speaker, Hope, started talking. Believe it or not, she was talking about forgiveness. Then out of nowhere she mentioned “sexual abuse” which had nothing to do with what she was talking about in that moment. To me, it seemed like God wanted to send me a reminder that He had me through that whole tough part of life, and He still has me now. I did not know it then, but now I know, God was also preparing me for the ministry I was about to encounter in Honduras. God was preparing my heart and reminding me I was still free, I forgave, and I am made new. He knew this month would break me, and He knew I would need this reminder. Guys our God knows.
That brings me to my ministry this month. This month my team and one other team from my squad are working with a ministry called Heart of Christ. Heart of Christ is all about justice for young women and children who have been through some sort of abuse (sexual, physical, verbal, emotional). They have a childrens home where most of the children are products of rape and incest, many of them have been abused and abandoned, neglected or raped. Many of the kids mothers were just kids themselves. For sake of privacy I won’t mention names, I will just use letters. One child at the home is 15 years old. She has a 3 year old daughter, and was pregnant at the age of 11. Since the age of 6, M was abused and raped by her uncle and all her mother’s boyfriends. Another baby girl is 2 years old. C came to the childrens home after being removed from her home because she was being abused and raped. A baby, raped. This was unfathomable to me.
This minstry was breaking my heart. I felt so arogant. When we first heard we were working with children of abuse I thought I could show them light, I could show them the beauty in letting go of guilt and shame, and the beauty in forgiveness. The moment I heard their stories and heard how dark this ministry was, I felt argonat, defeated, and not worthy. How could I come bring light and “show them the beauty in their stories” when my story does not measure up to anything they went through. Then I looked at those smiles. I looked at the light these kids were bringing. I listened to the laughter, and watched as they played tag. These kids are happy, they are loved, and these kids have Jesus. This struck me hard as well. My past held me captive for so long. I immediately felt guilt. How could something so small, take over such a big part of my life? I then realized this was the enemy. The devil was trying to take away my joy, my freedom, my light.
I still am looking for my purpose here. I know in my heart there is a purpose for being placed in this minstry, I just have not figured it out yet. However, I have figured out that nothing and noone can take away my freedom, my joy, and my light. All of these things come from the Lord, now it is my job to just trust in these truths and in the Lord. The bible tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes: fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh, and refreshment to your bones“-Proverbs 3: 5-8.
I want to leave you all with this. We may not know what God is doing in our lives. We may not know, the purpose of our being in certain moments, but that is okay. One thing we need to know is that God has us, He will not let us down, we need to trust in Him. My prayer for all my readers is just that. I pray you all find your trust in Jesus, that even in the unknown, you still know God is there and God knows your purpose.
Adios!
