Having had a conversation about leadership, the Lord wanted me to sit and think about where I am and how I am as His child. 
If I’m honest with myself, I’m not at a great place. I’m tired. I’m sitting at this really nice restaurant next to Lake Victoria and God’s really putting things into perspective for me. Ever since I got to this restaurant to upload blogs (only one, because the internet isn’t fast enough to do more), it has felt like I wasn’t on the race. I’ve loved every minute of it. I don’t feel bad that I do not love the race at this point. I know it’s temporary. I know that it’s normal…let’s be serious, I’ve been doing this for over 6 months now. But I think God wants to work on something more in me.
Like I’ve said, it’s been fabulous pretending that I’m not on the race, or that I’m a missionary, or that I have 6 teammates and a house with 20 other people to go back to. But something’s not right in me.
I sit in the sun, looking out across the lake and I’m tired. I haven’t gotten away or had Megan time for a while…which is my own fault. I shouldn’t have let it get to this point. Nevertheless, here I am feeling the way I feel. I was listening to Phil Whickham and a line in one of his songs went like this, “I’m so unworthy, and still you love me�. This is where His perspective comes in.
-I’m sitting at a restaurant on Lake Victoria.
-I’m in Mwanza, Tanzania.
-I’m healthy.
-I’m being taken, lead, and chosen to travel the world.
-I’m gifted enough to make rational thoughts. More than that, I have the wisdom to share the love of God.
-I’m a leader on a team of 7…which I’m coming to find simply means that God has heaps to teach me that I could only learn in this way, not that I have some kind of supremacy.
I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this to myself, but I’ve been wearing myself out with the logistics of a mission trip. I’ve been concerned with rules, guidelines, looking respectable—I’ve been prideful.
God called me, no, God chose me to come on this race. He chose me so that we would grow closer. This season of my life is a very special, very divine opportunity to learn what it means to become one with my Maker. I’ve been missing it lately, though. I’ve been missing out on my relationship with the One that really matters. I’ve been struggling to make it, simply because I’m not spending time with the only One that gives me passion, desire, and purpose in the first place.
I guess that’s the point of this thing though…you have to get to a point of humility and meekness in order to see that you need Him in the first place.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.� I’m at the end of my rope, which is a perfect place for God to start moving because I’ve realized this life is not up to me and it never was…
