Zealand has been a super hard spiritual battle. I’ve spent the whole month declaring
over myself that I can’t hear God speak. At launch, we practiced the “P word”
(prophecy) and honestly I almost walked away right then and there. I was so
frustrated because I wasn’t hearing God speak. I felt like a failure, and then
labeled myself as such. So the whole month I poured myself out at El Rancho and
I couldn’t feel God or hear Him. Finally, a lot of my frustrations came to a
boiling point and I wrote in my journal the things that I was thinking:
“It’s been rough…I feel conflicted
where I am…sure I want to not curse and I want to be this super smart
theologian, but those are things I struggle with. And honestly, when I think
about it, I’ve seen some amazing ministry happen through curse words, alcoholic
beverages, and secular songs. Also, if I had to choose whether I wanted to know
the study of God or know God, I’d pick God hands down. I still don’t know what
I’m good at. I don’t know why God lead me to pack what I needed into 2
backpacks for a year-long trip around the world. But what I do know is that I’m here. I don’t know that I hear Him.
The things I once believed in are now simple reminders to keep the faith…I
struggle to actually believe them deep in my soul. I want so badly to believe
them again. But for now I’ll do the one thing I’ve always done-persevere. I
feel so foolish, but perseverance has been the thing I’ve always fallen back
on. But now it’s not for glory or because it is the strong thing to do. I do it
now because I just don’t know what else to do. I almost resent it. Sometimes I
wish I had the guts to quit…just give up.”
I spent a lot of time analyzing this situation. And
thankfully I got to sit next to my sister, Kyla on our bus ride from Waikanae
to Auckland. God spoke through her and that’s the reason for this series…
Through my frustrations, I built a huge ‘thing’ around me
that separated me from God. A dam.
By saying I can’t hear God made it impossible to actually hear Him because I
cut off any possibility of hearing anything. I was so thirsty for His water and
I had no idea I was erecting the very thing that stopped His water from flowing
to my soul.
My Next Blog will describe the transformation that God has
been taking me through… stay tuned 🙂
