Manilla, Philippines
12/5/11
No Where to Run To
(Photo from Malaybalay City, Philippines)
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith"- 2 Timothy 4:7
~*In Month 2 of the WR, In Uganda, ironically a robber came, and he stole my asic running shoes one night. God took away the one thing that I thought gave me freedom & forced me into embracing true freedom which was found only in seeking him. ( I did happen to get a pair of shoes in Rwanda & yes physically running is still good…but emotional & spiritual running is another story…~*
This weekend has been difficult….& At times the WR is difficult too. From the outside looking in it appears to awesome to travel the world to 11 countries in 11 months, but there are times when the waves of culture shock hit you…there are times when you do miss family, friends, and everything else you used to know to be your normal. To complete this race, the love of Christ needs to be what sustains you. Every day I need to seek him and he fills me up. He is my portion & without that I am lost…
I have never been really good at goodbyes and I am not sure why. It could have something to do with goodbyes being such a frequent thing throughout my life…As they are a part of everyone else's life as well. In my past, before knowing Christ, I often would run away from people & problems, and goodbye was the way I knew how to escape. If I didn’t want to talk to someone I didn’t have to. Even if the relationship was unresolved, I let bitterness sneak in. Running was my escape in more than one sense. The first sense would be in a physically running. Running for as long as I could run, sometimes 8-10 miles worth of running. One time I even decided to run around the entire Penninsula in Erie which is half of a marathon, (13 miles around)….If I felt like I didn’t have some kind of control over my life or the situations in my life, running was therapy.
Running was a part of my college years. I ran NCAA Division II Cross Country & Track, and during that time I really did enjoy running. I know looking back that sometimes it was an escape from the life that I had really been living. I felt safe when I could run… When I could smell the crisp fall leaves, and when the rain was falling on my face, and when the dirt would cover me from up the back of my legs & my back, I felt so free…
The only thing is I was never free during that time in my life. I had been caught up in the darkness of what those years brought… partying & other things that come along with “college life”. I wanted deep down within my soul to be a good runner, to meet PR’s (personal records), but I never excelled in the way that God saw potential in me. Sure I beat my time records a few times, but I never really gave myself a chance to excel. When I started working out harder, and putting in more miles, I felt myself getting slower. I was running with no real direction.I was running aimlessly. So I thought to myself why even try at this dream? Why should it matter if I am not getting any faster? My dual major had been getting more difficult in my 3rd year of college & I just couldn’t handle the intense workouts & everything else in my crazy life that I had created. Somehow I managed to get 4.0’s in my senior year of college, even while I was drowning in a life of darkness, lies, and depression.
Anyhow what I have realized is that it is never good to “run”. It’s better to approach things head on & when you live a life with the Lord you don’t have to worry about running away. You can just run to HIM. He’s always been there waiting with open arms waiting for me to embrace his love, protection, and guidance. There are things I can’t control right now, like the extra 10 pounds I have gained from all the chapati in Africa & rice in Asia that I have started to eat. Or the fact that my mind is so ADD and all over the place half of the time; God speaks to me and tells me I am ok. Or when my heart starts racing anxiously. He tells me he is my medicine & my therapy…& that I am healed through him alone. He tells me that when I am in his love there is PEACE, and JOY, and GRACE. I can cast all my cares & anxieties on him. His Burden is Light…
Now that I am on the World Race, I can’t “run”. There is no where to run to… I live in community. I am surrounded by my brothers & sisters. I am caught in the middle of the Love of God. Inside something that overtakes my soul, my heart, my mind, my thoughts,& the essence of my being. I can’t run.
I can’t hide.
I can’t lie about my life.
I can’t look for escapes…
What I can do is…
Love.
Be Love.
Endure God’s Promises for my Life.
I can love in the reckless abandonment…I can give all of who I am, through the love of Christ that was poured out on me. I can love selflessly. I can embrace real freedom. The freedom that doesn’t need to run. The freedom that has enough self control to stay put in God’s will for my life. My Papa knows best. I don’t have to worry about all the outcomes. They are all up to the Father. I can be his obedient daughter & choose love. I can embrace love in the ministries around me. Even when it hurts. Even when I feel my selfish heart starting to want to run since that is all I have ever known. I will choose to run to the cross when I have nothing left. To bow down @ the feet of Jesus & leave my flesh there…
So this past week we have said goodbye to Malaybalay & all of the children there. It was really hard to say goodbye because of the awesome relationships that were built there. I have realized that in wanting to stay there that the Lord is holding me, and his arms are wide enough for everyone. They are wide enough for all the children who are at New Faith Family Children’s Home & They are wide enough for our previous squad leaders, Sarah & Lucus, who just left the other night. He is a father we don't need to run from, but a Father full of grace, compassion, love, and mercy that we so desperately need to run to. So the Race continues…
