1/10/12
I Will Not Be Silent
“ Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her”- Hosea 2:14
This past month has really been a struggle in trying to find & use my voice. However it has been a struggle that I have been overcoming one step at a time. I have been becoming bolder in the truth that my voice matters, my prayers matters, my praises sound beautiful to the Father.
I think that there are many elements to what has been going on spiritually within me. I have been reading the book Captivating & have been learning a lot about freedom from past wounds. I have realized that some past and some fresh wounds have hurt me & pushed me down to a point where I have lost freedom in who I am. Even though at times I feel like I am in the desert as I travel around the world & despite seeing all the darkness that exists ,the Lord has been inviting me into his presence. God has been speaking to me about having a tender heart & spirit. He has been “alluring” me…Speaking to me his truth. His love.
When you live in community under leadership, you do have to honor your leaders. However this should not allow you to feel that your voice has been diminished. It is not okay to believe the lie that my voice doesn’t carry any weight or that it doesn’t matter. I am a woman of God just as much as the other woman on my squad. So why have I allowed myself to believe that voice doesn’t matter? I honestly have no answer to that question... We are all given the same spiritual authority from the head of Christ who is seated on the throne. The King of the World, Jesus, calls me his Daughter, his beloved…Shoot, I am a daughter of a King. That’s a huge deal!
I have stepped up & out. If God gives me a prophetic word, a picture, a dream or life for someone I will not hold it in. That’s like holding in the sunshine’s rays & you just can’t do that. They have to come out & shine light.
So anyways, what I have realized from reading Captivating is that in one of the Chapters it talks about wounds & in another it talks about allowing Jesus to heal the wounds, then the following chapter after that talks about Forgiveness. I am currently going through who has offended my “voice” and who has shut me down to the point where I don’t speak as freely as before. I have also begun to recognize that the exact areas in which I was criticized as a child are the areas that the Lord wants to use to bring him glory. Ironically they are usually our strengths.
This month took me all the way back to my grade school days & flashbacks from the time I was about 8 years old. Some painful memories sprung up but some joyful ones as well. I remembered the days when I was young and I would sing as loud as could be in the car, dance freely in front of family ( & even choreograph dances with my sisters) …just thinking about the loud and obnoxious child I was makes me laugh. Some other painful ones include being shut down in grade school in front of my art teacher when I made a picture. She would erase my pictures and tell me they weren’t good enough. So I made the assumption that I suck at art. In dance class if my steps weren’t perfect & I was yelled at by my dance teacher, I continued to try again, but eventually quit after 8 years for many reasons beyond my control. In music class when we would sing individually there was a time that I won’t forget when the music teacher complimented 3 other girls in front of my friend & I and told them how amazing their voices were while I was left there wondering, “Well then what the heck does mine sound like?”… I know that these words & actions were offenses directly from the enemy who is set out to steal, kill, and destroy. They weren't the fault of the person making them. Of course that person did the offense but I am at a point where I am letting go…embracing forgiveness. I forgive all of my teachers. All of those who didn't believe the dreams God set in my heart. Gosh there is such freedom in speaking out forgiveness & taking your voice back…
I was told as I named off my dreams I couldn’t do them. They were too unrealistic… such as being a writer, a singer or a professional dancer. I have always loved the arts & really can’t explain why.They weren’t jobs that “made enough money”. Maybe so, but they were the dreams the Father placed in my heart. So I dismissed them and continued on my search of who I was. Somewhere in the mix of all of that, I lost who I was because I was too worried about not being good enough to someone else’s standards. These were offenses…and I need to call them out & let them go…Offenses can drag us down so low if we don’t realize it and they can allow us to believe that we were are not any good at things that God says we ARE good at. Then we begin to believe the lies ourself. They can quiet our voice.
This month in Thailand I have heard the Father continuing to remind me of all the gifts he has given me. Sometimes having trouble believing I am worthy of them, but recognizing them as the truth either way. God has blessed me in the arts…I really believe God has gifted me with what he has for HIS particular purposes. It really doesn’t matter what someone said to me 18 years ago…or 15 years ago. It doesn’t matter if I lost chances & thought I failed. Redemption is coming…So I have taken what they have said & declared truth about who I am. I have repeated that my voice does matter. I have forgiven them in my heart & spirit the wrong things that they declared over me. I am taking back what the enemy tried to sought after. I am letting my voice out. I will continue to work on the gifts the Father has blessed me with to glorify. So that some day when I stand before his throne in heaven I can tell him that I used what he gave me the best way I could.
God has given me a vision of what he wants to do with all of things that he has made me passionate about & I know that he will fulfill his promise. Last month the Lord revealed to me while I was painting at the New Life prison rehab ministry that he has a ministry for me in the United States when I return. That all of these things he has given me are to give them back to him. My passion for youth girls will be a huge part of it, & the arts, & God (of course). I am not ready to reveal all of it because I am still currently listening for his voice & praying about details but I can clearly see that the Lord has a direct calling for me when I get back…Please continue to pray as the Lord continues to mold, shape, & direct me into the woman of God he has intended. Please pray for the ministry he is calling me to as well. That I can hear him loud & clearly…and that I can be obedient.
Ask the Father what lies you might have believed from your past? Who has shut down and silenced your voice? Recognize the lies, forgive, and let it go. Allow the Father to heal you and allure you in the desert. He will give you back what the enemy sought after. Allow Freedom in. Allow your voice to come out of it's cage.
We will not be silent anymore.
(Please Ladies read Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge & Men read Wild At Heart by John Eldredge)
