A couple years back, I was going through a difficult time and when I felt emotionally overwhelmed, I would start to itch all over. It took a while for me to realize that it wasn’t my shampoo or soap causing this (it seems I do a lot of my thinking in the shower). Eventually I put it behind me, not in a healthy way, but it was gone. It’s been a few months now since my anxiety started to again manifest itself as a physical symptom. It made me so sad that something like that had come back. I knew that it could, but hoped that it wouldn’t. Most of the anxiety was related to relationships. I’ve always had a difficult time confronting anyone a second time. If something bothers me, I usually go to them once and explain what is going on, hope that they understand and then walk away thinking everything is going to be okay. If nothing changes or they fall back into the same behaviors, I write it off as them making the choice to do so. I’ll almost never approach them again, never take any personal blame for not setting and keeping boundaries, and set out to figure out how I am now going to process it. How does this affect our relationship now, what choice do I now need to make? This usually resulted in me feeling hurt, rejected, angry, or frustrated and choosing to stay that way. In my own mess. I’ve carried to much around with me over the years, but lately it was getting more difficult. Through counseling, I was able to realize that giving someone another chance by stating something a different way or confirming or disproving what you had previously concluded is a really good choice. Being clear and setting boundaries with people is also very important, instead of just assuming that they get it. I was putting this all into place and making some progress. But again, mostly getting rid of it and not really fixing what was going on in my heart. I applied what I’d learned once or twice and I followed through with some tough choices.
This week at training camp, we’ve dealt with and confronted a lot of personal things, clearing the way for Him to work in us and through us on The World Race to bring His kingdom to the nations. That anxiety, that intense beating in my heart kept happening when I would become fearful about new relationships, fitting in, and forming new friendships. I confronted the voices inside me that were not my own or His and cast them out in His name. The next time that pounding in my chest came back, it was something so completely different. This time it was Him showing me that He is there for me. He always has been and He’s found a new way to show me anytime. Now he moves in me, shouts in me, begs me to choose Him. It’s the most awesome feeling. I’m so in love with Him!
