Something happened. I don't know what caused it but I feel the affects of it. I feel the affects of my selfishness and my pride coming in a full head on collision with love and grace. A lesson I seem to need to learn over and over again. I've been confused lately. About a lot of things about home and my identity and words I know I need to say but not wanting to speak them. My month in Malaysia with beautiful Lilli Walker possibly hit some hidden cord inside of me.
Take a moment and read her blog "A wedding picture" (http://lilliwalker.theworldrace.org/?filename=a-wedding-picture ). It speaks of the unworthiness I feel. The unease in approaching Christ as a bride (or even a child) instead of His unworthy servant.
Her picture of being in a white wedding dress trying to cover it in mud is all to familiar to me. I just finished reading Francine River's book "Redeeming Love" a story taken from the book of Hosea. Which speaks of the same thing.
How many times have I run from His promise of love?
How many times have I felt unworthy? been in a place I need to forgive or need forgiveness?
How many times have I stood naked before Him has He welcomed me home?
China was a good month and I've recently been rocked with my selfishness in this thought as I sit in Ukraine tired, feeling useless, drained, wondering what is left to give after a glorious month like China.
Do I miss it or Do I miss who I was there?
I spent a long 38 hr train ride to a city I was indifferent going to. A place I was unsure i would like, with ministry of working with an age group I never thought I would easily fit in with (college students), teaching English ( a task I'm not too fond of), and the suprise of becoming a stand in leader for the time I was there. All in all I was indifferent to China when I got there.
Something broke that indifference within a day though. I was met in every single inhibition I had about the above. I've never felt more refreshed then I did in my month of China. I worked along bold followers of Jesus and something switched inside of me dispite my spirit of confusion. Dispite feelings of inadequacy. Dispite it all, there was a side of joy, ridicilousness, freedom, pure elation that poured out of me while I was there. A gift.
Yes, I felt inadequant in sharing the gospel. Taking it on myself to try to present the gospel just right. trying to put simple words to an extravagant love (and failing), trying to answer questions I don't know the answer to especially in simple enough phrases a language barrier would not hinder. But I did it.
Yes, I felt inadeqate in teaching. But I learned to enjoyed it.
Yes, I felt inadequate in leadership. But it wasn't so bad.
Yes, I desperately wanted change in team dynamics that I had no clue in producing. Some how It happened.
Yes, I am still confused on so many things. That's okay.
On the train ride to Beijing after it all. I was rocked with the simpleness in the fact that it's not me. IT'S NOT ME AT ALL! It's no words I say. It's no action I do.
The sheep know His voice, He knows who are His and I became the luckiest girl in the train over hearing a sister come to Christ.
I was falling a sleep in the wonderous sleeper cars we finally got to experience and I heard a girl asking one of my teammates what she was reading. (The Bible). The girl saw something in us and she wanted it, so when my teammate said Jesus' name the girl said Yes, I want Him.
hallelujah! What a Saviour!
hallelujah, it's not me.
We had our 8 month debrief in Beijing. The biggest things I was struck with during that time are pretty simple but I beg for prayer I continue in them.
– i fully recognize that I place people in boxes far to easily. And when God starts answering my prayer so I can see people differently that I would let it happen.
– I was struck with the thought that it's far to easy to dream. it's far to easy to get lost in dreams and have no courage to see them through.
– That there are greater things to come. This is not the highlight of my life.
– That I would learn not to pick up my pride.
Love from Ukraine. See you in 3 Months (June 26th)….Woah.
