I don't know what I'm doing today.
I feel like my days lately have been filled with acting on impulses and fighting others. Questioning what's really from God and what's not.
I've told you my intentions are to ask for direction for today and not worry about tomorrow.
I intend to make my normal day a Spirit lead day.
This however is uncomfortable. It's not normal. it's unnatural. It's something I have to fight for.
I find it especially hard since I've spent quite a lot of time questioning if I hear God’s voice or not.
I found myself starting to count down the days until I leave here to start my journey home (3 weeks) and with that I saw that waking up was not met with: "Father, what do you have for me today?" but more with " God, what's home going to be like? Am i ready? I wanna be ready. Make me ready. Provide, please provide. Rest, direction, community, a source of income. God, I'm tired." possibly followed by more whining , more excuses, more battle's in my mind….and then maybe okay what about today. (I'm attempting to change this).
I've found myself not appreciating these moments. These moments in Romania. These short fleeting moments that have been given to me. I read this today http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/08/how-to-really-live/ and maybe that's where these thoughts are coming from…
I've realized it's hard to ask, it's hard to listen, it's hard to obey. It's unnatural for me like being vulnerable or generous or hospitable. I wish it were an easily formed habit like eating ice cream or drinking soda, an easy addiction like smoking.
Yup, that's it: I wanna be addicted to Jesus.
I want to search the depths of His love. I want to experience His freedom to the fullest. instead today, I choose to listen to see if I could hear cow poop hit the ground….it's easier.
Pray for more discipline, for new perspective's, for more appreciation, for more peace.
I had good intentions on praying, today, I even got out of the house and went up on the Hill.
Except, I am easily distracted and I have been confused lately on what to pray for, so I sat there. From my vantage point down the hill, slightly to my right, about 100 yards away is a group of cows and I can hear their poop hit the ground.
I know I am distracted when I would rather watch a cow poop and wait to see if I can hear it hit the ground then turn my thoughts to God. It’s a bad sign my friends. A bad sign.
I know my intentions of prayer are not going to get fulfilled today …at least how I intend them to be. But I think God spoke regardless, like that friend that won’t leave you alone when you’re having a bad day.
Beyond the cows and a field there are men working using a chain saw to cut up fire wood for the winter.
It’s HOT outside today but I know they are being smart in preparing for winter as I should be preparing for home.
I have 22 days left before I start my 5 stop journey home (Belgium (Brother), Boston (Sister), Georgia (Project Search Light/dad), North Caronlina (Aunt and Uncle), and driving home to Indiana). …yes, I am crazy.
I’ve already decided what I’m taking home and what I’m leaving. I’ve even placed it in my bag to see how it fits. I’ve made crazy travel plans. And I look at my calendar on the daily. I’ve justified that by saying I’m tired, I don’t like speaking through a translator, and I want to see my family. However, If I was the man with the chainsaw I heard today I wouldn’t have any wood to keep me warm this winter.
I’ve already been warned by wiser people than me that coming home can be hard. I tend to believe them. I will probably experience reverse culture shock in many areas, one of them being living at home.
You can expect me to be different. I know that I have changed. I don’t know what it will be like when I’m placed back into old environments.
In some regards I will probably be the alienator, I will probably in some ways revert back to what I once was, and hopefully, by the grace of God, I will be able to apply what I’ve learned this past year.
There are some things you need to know:
– I cry a lot more now when I speak from the heart and I tend to speak from my heart a lot more. My hearts
been stretched a lot this past year, so when I talk about it, I will probably cry. I’ve come to terms with it,
just know if there are tears in my eyes, God’s worked in that area of my life.
– I forget English words.
– I might use Romanian words. I use these words a lot, they might come back with me. Please learn the
below:
– Vino Aici = come here – Da =Yes – Bine= good -de ce- why
– Ce=what – unde= where -Apa = water – Biscerica=church
– Bravo – forte bine=very good -rapide = quickly
– Serious=really -pace = peace -cine= who -hii (sp?) = come
– I’ll need a friend who questions every answer I give to “How are you” with “why are you_____.” I have
been caught on many occasions saying good but it being a lie. I like the accountability.
– I’ll need hugs. Lots of them.
– I will need to be asked specific questions about my trip because I will not know how to answer “so, how
was it?”
– I probably want to see you. So let’s make it happen. To my knowledge I arrive home late sept 25th.
Don’t delay!
– Eventually, I will need to start thinking of being employed again. I’m not opposed to moving out of Indiana. Nursing friends let me know of any openings! Maybe something along the lines with children or diabetes. Getting into a new graduate position in a hospital for critical care, ER, or a cancer ward would be awesome as well (because unfortunately/fortunately I still apply for that). I’m still praying about that…
– I will need to be monitored with the amount of fruit snacks, mike n ike candies, and Mexican food I am
allowed to consume.
– I will need community.
That is definitely not a finalized list, just my thoughts from today.
Oh and I’ve started an exercise program…..pray.
Love from Romania,
Megan
