It’s hard to explain the things going on in my heart after this month. I have been feeling so distraught about my understanding of God and who He is, and so much is being brought to the surface about my insecurities about hearing the Holy Spirit. These questions being brought to the surface are good but so stinking hard sometimes!
The most concrete example I can give to get across how I am feeling is Judee, a child we met in Mamelodi. This child instantly struck a chord in my heart because when we met he was sitting all by himself, apart from the twenty other children who were grabbing our attention. I could tell something wasn’t right in the manner he sat there; so lonely and despondent. I wanted to go up to him right away and give him a hug and show him I loved him. Kristin and I went over to sit with him, but he was very hesitant to warm up to us. So we just sat and observed the lonely child who broke our hearts. I knew he had to have been sick just by the way he looked. He was extremely thin, with a yellow tint in his eyes and his hair grew in patches. Maybe it was the loneliness or the way he sat as an outcast from all of the other children or the fact that he was obviously not physically healthy, but this little boy absolutely broke my heart.
When we saw him again, we loved him and by the end of the day, I could pick him up and he would hug me with all of his might and did not want to let go. I loved every minute of it. The same day, we noticed that his wrist was swollen and that it might be broken, and not only that, but we speculated there was a good chance that he was HIV infected. Pastor Ezekiel had Judee take us to his house so we could meet his family and discover more. Walking away from the visit, we found out that his father had passed away, his mother was in the hospital with a broken leg and he had broken his wrist a week prior and never received medical attention.
It killed me to know that Judee had been neglected and everything in my soul at that moment told me to take him to the clinic immediately.
But instead of taking action, I let my mind convince me otherwise. “Is that realistic Megan? I’m sure he will be taken care of. Isn’t it weird for me to want to do this?” It took me to a place of question- about the Holy Spirit and myself. Instead of letting my heart lead me, the insecurities in my head halted my action and obedience to the Spirit. The battle continued all afternoon as we stayed in the township. Judee came back a few hours later and told the pastor he was being taken to the doctor the next day. This relieved me but the fact I did not do anything left me convicted. As we left the township that day, my heart broke at the fact I had to leave this new friend of mine, but I was reassured he would be watched over.
Through all of this I realized I do not let the Holy Spirit lead my actions. Often times, I make the calls. I have been asking myself how my life would look if I stopped letting my insecurities take control of my heart—if I had followed the Spirit’s tug and taken Judee to a clinic. I KNOW my heart yearns to love and to be bold and to take action when I feel the tug. Jesus raised people from the dead and turned water to wine, and impacted peoples’ lives by leaving the legacy of love. Nothing holds me back from loving others, besides me. If Christ is living in and through me, I must obey the command of love.
So, here is my promise to myself: I will not let my own insecurities get in the way of how Jesus wants me to love. Next time I feel the urge to take a child to the hospital, you best believe I am going to do it.
O, and the greatest thing of all is that although I did not take action in the moment my heart told me to, God is still looking out for Judee. The next morning, Erika told me how much Judee was on her mind. I know he is in good hands with Pastor Ezekiel and Erika and have no doubt that God will use Beam Africa to impact Judee’s life. Nobody can stop God from getting His work done.
Megan 🙂
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