Before I left for the Race, someone told me that I awful at commitment, that I would never finish out this Race because I was so bad at it, that I would get to about Month 6 and quit and return home because my commitment level was so horrible. I was told I would never finish.
Well, here I am. Month 11. Eight days, twenty-three hours, fifty-nine minutes, and thirty seconds away from crossing the finish line of this Race that was set before me.
Wanna know my secret? Wanna know how I did it?
I gave up.
Truth is folks, my track record may appear like I’m actually not a champ at commitment- that’s what you see on the outside, but if you only asked- I’d tell you I was just being obedient. But the secret every time- especially this time- is in the giving up.
This year has been more incredible than words can say. I’m going to walk off the track of this Race with a much deeper intimacy with my sweet Jesus, knowing Him much more, and walking in freedom and confidence of who I am in my identity in Him. I’m walking off this track with amazing friends that I’ve been so blessed to live this year doing life with. I’m finishing with more understanding of who I am- what He’s given me passions for, why I do things I do, why I struggle with things I struggle with, deep scars that hurt- but make me who I am, and gifts He’s given me to give away. I’m also finishing this thing with friends all across the globe and places that have stolen little pieces of my heart. I’m walking away with so much more than I ever imagined. I’m walking off this track with a flexibility level beyond belief, the ability to sleep absolutely anywhere, the guts to try absolutely any food set in front of me, the bravery to do even crazier adventures than before, an understanding for our need for community and the power it holds, a really open mind and perspective, a deeper love, understanding, and compassion for people, and just so much more. So much more. It has been truly an indescribably amazing year. The year of a lifetime.
But it’s not been easy. I could go on and on about how uncomfortable this year has been- living out of a dang backpack for eleven whole months of my life with only select clothing, bucket baths, mosquitos that carry diseases, no space. at all., “be flexible. be flexible. be flexible. be flexible.” can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that one, weird things that happen to your body when all you eat is carbs, feedback that has felt like punches in the face, and I could go on. But I want to share with you today what’s been the hardest thing about this Race for me.
In Month 8, Ecuador, I was called by my family to let me know that my uncle has cancer. It was tragic. I was a basket case to say the very least. An absolute mess. And I was confused. “Abba, why?! Why would you let this happen?! You know that my family was the hardest thing for me to leave for eleven months, but I surrendered them to you and now this?! How could you let this happen?!” Told you, mess. A mess and a half. I was confused at the Lord and hurt deeply.
It’s been a journey since that phone call- those types of journeys that are uphill and then downhill and have sharp lefts and hidden rights.
I have to tell you, friends- I almost went home. I almost threw in the towel. I looked at flights from Lima, Peru to Houston, Texas and was about ready to book that sucker. Before my team and I left our town in Peru to head to Lima, my mom had called me to tell me an update that my Uncle Darrell had tumors in different places in his body and that they had diagnosed him with Stage 4 Cancer. However, she explained that the doctors knew exactly where the tumors were, what was going on in his body, and that they were ready to get the ball rolling with treatment.
The pain of not being there for my Uncle Darrell through this horrific season has been excruciating. The pain of not being there to support my family in this time has been so deep. After this specific phone call from my Mom that day all I could feel was trapped. TRAPPED. I was trapped in this thing that had no win whatsoever. I was a horrible terrible niece and family member to my family for not being there and if I didn’t come home to be with them. But then I was a horrible terrible person if I left the Race because I had committed to this Race for 11 months, not 9. I would’ve been a horrible terrible teammate and squamate for leaving my people; a horrible terrible recipient to the supporters that I have been so blessed with financially, prayerfully, and in all the other ways. The bottom line- I was disappointing and hurting people either way- trapped. This is what I honestly felt.
I have the absolute best family in the world, I’m convinced; maybe that’s why I love them so much. 😉 They’ve been so supportive of me, so loving, so encouraging. They helped me keep my eyes focused and set me straight. There really was nothing I could do if I did come home; praise the Lamb Jesus hears my prayers overseas just as well as he does in East Texas. Those were things my family told me…and they were right, but that didn’t take all the hurt away.
What really kept me here on this Race, from not just walking off the track, was giving up. I cried out to Abba and proclaimed that I cannot do this. This is way too hard for me and I don’t understand it. I told Him that I didn’t want to be all the way across the world from my family; I wanted to be home. But I proclaimed that I KNEW He was a good Father, that beyond all circumstance I was choosing to hold on to the promises He’s promised to me- that ALL is somehow working together for my ultimate good and His ultimate glory, that He is sovereign over and beyond this, and that I trust Him.
The Lord has radically taught me SO much this year. In fact, at this time I don’t even know how to process it all and share it all, but we are working on that part. 🙂 It’s been incredible. One of the huge things the Lord has radically taught me, challenged me, and changed me in and with is SURRENDER. Surrender, aka- giving up.
He began teaching me this when I left, as I mentioned earlier- surrendering my family to Him as I left the country for a year. He’s brought up different areas of my heart, different desires and passions and wants I have to surrender to Him. He’s led me to speak on surrender. A lot. I feel like most times on the Race that He’s told me to teach/speak to groups- it’s been on the topic of surrender- in all different sorts, fashions, applications, and stories- but surrender none the less. I’ve even drawn a sacrificial table in my journal with little blocks of specific things He’s told me I need to surrender over to Him. IT’S POWERFUL, Y’ALL.
In processing this sickness of my uncle and still being on the Race- Jesus led me to read the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22. Abraham and his wife had asked God for a very long time for a son and they waited patiently for years. Then God provided them with a son and they were so thankful. THEN God asked Abraham to kill him. WHAT. He asked him to lay Isaac on a sacrificial table to sacrifice him. WHAT A PICTURE HERE FOR US, FOLKS. Man. Jesus wants to give us the desires of our hearts when we are seeking Him. He sees the passions and desires and wants and dreams we have. He hears us- but He wants us to surrender those things- to lay them on His sacrificial table, giving them over to Him- the One that gave them- so that He can make the very best out of them. You followin’ me?! Abraham loved his son so deeply, but when asked to lay him on the table he said- “God will provide.” He did and He does.
Jesus told me to put my Uncle Darrell back on the sacrificial table. He told me to give up. He told me to let go. And do you want to know what happened when I did?! PEACE. I was overcome with the peace that passes all understanding because I knew and know with all my heart that my Uncle Darrell and all else that I have in my life is SO much better off in the hands of Sovereign God than my own.
There have been quite a few times on this crazy journey that I’ve wanted to quit and just give up, go home to a super hot shower, my own bed, my loving family, and sweet tea- but I didn’t. I didn’t not by my own strength or because I am some incredible person. No. I didn’t quit because I, Megan, gave up. I surrendered each time and still do each day because when everything is in my Savior’s hands all is well. It is well.
My Uncle Darrell finished his third round of chemo a couple of days ago. Do I know the exact outplay that this will have? No. But I know who’s holding my uncle and the whole situation in His hands and it’s not me.
Do I know exactly what my plans are when I get home from the Race besides hugging my family forever, visiting loved ones and dear friends, and eating East Texan food and sweet tea like I’ve been on a deserted island? Nope. Sure don’t. But you know who does? You know who’s hands that’s all in? My Abba’s, not mine. I’ve given up on that too. I have to each day.
This may seem all too familiar to you- “yeah yeah surrender, I’ve been told that my whole life, to surrender it all to Jesus…” But do you? Do you really? Sometimes I cringe when I sing “I Surrender All” and have to check my heart. Do you? Search you heart. Surrender seems like a familiar thing. It seems like it’s easy enough- but laying things down- especially things like Isaac and Uncle Darrell on Abba’s sacrificial table isn’t always easy- but every time…it’s worth it.
I could ramble on and on, but all this jumbled mess to say…the reason I have made it, the reason I get to cross the finish line in EIGHT days of this blessed Race He’s allowed me to run in- is not at all because I am a strong person or a good person- it’s because through my weakness- I have given up. And through my weakness HIS power is made strong and evident.
And friends…I want to give up every day. I pray you do too. It’s truly the best life and I cannot tell you how proud and thankful I am to have made it all the way to the very end! <3
And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” // Luke 9:23-24
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. // Galatians 2:20
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. // Philippians 4:6-7
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. // 2 Corinthians 12:9
For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the RACE, I have kept the faith. // 2 Timothy 4:6-7
Let’s finish this thing! 🙂
With love,
Megan Fridell
PS: Please please keep Uncle Darrell in your prayers! Thank you SO much! 🙂
