This morning I realized that I didn’t want to put on masks anymore. I didn’t want to answer the question "how are you” with the typical, “Oh I’m fine, how are you?” When someone asks me how I am I want to tell them how I am, which for so long I have been scared, or at the very least apprehensive, about doing. I have always thought people didn’t really care, which some don’t, and that it’s a waste of time to say anything. My team has been telling me for over 4 months now to open up. Hey FLOG I am starting to open up, keep me accountable in this. And for my friends and family back home be ready for an honest answer if you ask me this question, and keep me accountable as well.
So why now, why is this coming up at this point in my life? Well I am stubborn and it has taken this long to sink in and also I am tired of the back and forth feeling of, “do I tell them or do I not”; this feeling that I have to put on a brave face, a happy face, because that is what society has told me to do. This year has been a year of growth, a year of ups and downs, a year of triumphs, and even a year of failures. I have had amazing days and I have had some of the worst days in recent memory. One of the things I have had to work the hardest at is letting people in, especially on those hard days. My normal response is to retreat to solitude and deal with whatever is bothering me on my own and then MAYBE tell someone else. I spent most of my college years living a double life and being independent dealing with things on my own. I had the side that I let everyone see and then I had the side that I only let the closest of friends and maybe one or two family members see. As a result I didn’t really have anyone that I could go and talk to about what I was dealing with. During this time I didn’t really have a strong relationship with God so I didn’t go to Him either. I am sure I didn’t hide my “secret life” as well as I thought I did and this doesn’t come as a shock to some people. For most of college I walked away from God even though I didn’t always see it that way. So when I needed help I didn’t feel worthy of going to him, I didn’t think he would come to my rescue. Oh how wrong I was.
I would love to tell you that now I am a changed woman and that I am a complete open book, but I can’t. While I have changed a lot this year and do open up more, I still struggle with telling people everything. What I can say is that I am a book that is willing to be opened. I am willing to tell you anything you ask and working towards telling everything. So when you ask a question, be prepared to hear the answer. I am imperfect and I have messed up a lot, especially in the last few years, but it has taught me so much and has allowed me to reach out to others. God has given me so much and I am learning that even the parts of my life I consider bad he has redeemed and made good. He has used my life in amazing ways this year and will continue to use it in the years to come.
