this is it…
where did this year go? how did it happen so fast?
tomorrow i will be flying back into the states, and then two days after that i will be flying to texas to see my family for the first time in 11 months. back to the comforts of home. back to the people that i love very dearly, and have longed to see for so many months. i will be able to see my new neice that was born while i was in cambodia. i will be kissing the faces of both of my sister’s beautiful children. i’m sure i will be flooded with tons of emotions all at once; some recognizable and some not. i will be eating all my favortie foods, and trying not to cling to the things that i’ve been away from all year-starbucks, target, t.v, shopping, my cell phone, my family…trying not to get sucked back into ‘the fog’.
i don’t know when it will happen, but i know it will. i know that one day-if not many-i will wake up in the morning, and realize that i am not waking up next to the same people i have all year long. i will not be spending every waking hour with my team that i love more than i can put into words. i will not be walking down the streets of some foreign land getting stares as i walk by, and hearing-“it’s a white person”-in many different languages. i will now blend in with the rest of all the other white people. i will blend in. i don’t want to blend in. i want people to know that i am different. i am set apart. i am Christ on earth. how will they know? i will blend in if i allow myself to. it will be a choice everyday when i wake up. how can i bring life to someone today? how can i be Jesus to them today? i am anticipating many times when i will long for the lifestyle of community living again. i will long to have my teammates (now family) by my side, lifting me up. i will long for someone that gets it the way i do. someone that can relate to the things that i have experienced this year. someone that isn’t blinded by our american culture. Lord, bring me people that see past the blinders. i am fearful that eventually i will put them on again, and not be able to see past the darkness. i don’t want everything that my eyes have been opened up to this year to fade away. i will long for a little girl to come up to me with her sweet, heartbreaking smile, and torn clothing, asking me for money. i will long to be walking down unfamiliar streets; with people all around me speaking foreign tounges. as my sister heather said last night-after about 3-4 weeks when it would be time for the squad to come together for debrief, i will be sadened to know that we won’t be. i have become a part of an amazing family of 26 people. i know that each one of them will be in my life forever. there will be times when i need every single one of them. i love them with all my heart. i wouldn’t trade this past year for anything in the world.
the world race was the hardest, and most challenging year of my life. there were many times when i just wanted to give up and go home. choose the easy way out-or what i thought would be the easy way out. stop trying so hard, and stop pressing in. now looking back, knowing if i would have given up and gone home, i would have been missing out on one of the most amazing years of my life so far. this is just the beginning of what God has planned for me. this isn’t it. it has just begun. this has just been a fleeting second compared to this mystery that is called my life. i have no idea what the Lord has in store for my future. why would i want to know? that’s part of the fun and mystery of God. it may seem as though i am about to be entering into the chaos of america, and everything that once was in my life. there may be things that are there, waiting to stare me in the face. waiting to pounce. but if i believe that God is who he says He is, then there is nothing to fear, but Him. i have been equipped with the full armor of God! i will put it on every morning when i wake up, and i will be prepared to fight against anything that is waiting to push me off the Solid Rock i stand on. my God is not a god of chaos or confusion, but a God of justice and peace. as i have heard many times this year, i just have to hover above the chaos.
so, i don’t know exactly what will be waiting for me when i get home. but i am ready for it. i am not who i was when i left home 11 months ago. i have learned more about uncondtional love, patience, trust, community living, church-in the real sence of the word, the Holy Spirit, sacrifice, dying to myself, picking up my cross daily, serving, family, trials-how they make us stronger, friendship, discipline, integrity, GRACE, and so many other things than i ever have in my entire life. i feel undeserving of this life-changing experience. i am not worthy enough for God to use me in the ways He has, but He has chosen me. for that i am thankful. i know He will continue to use me to bring Kingdom down to earth!
