Let me be honest, the last few months have been hard. They
have been a struggle. One I am still wading through. One my family and
community have waded through with me – thank you!
As I re-entered America I felt uncomfortable, unknown, and
unsure of what each day was going to hold. These things have faded, making an appearance less often. Now…I currently find
myself in a new season. A season of FAITH.
What does that mean?
Well, that’s what I’m walking through to find out. I’m trying to
figure this faith thing out. I had faith on the race. I saw God provide in
crazy ways. I learned to not worry about tomorrow but to be present in the
moment. But that was just the beginning. This new season looks like me
depending on HIM for everything. Depending on others. Walking HUMBLY every day
seeking Him first, giving Him my best. But can I tell you?
It’s HARD.
Humility doesn’t come easily.
Dependence isn’t my default.
I want to be able to provide for myself.
But I can’t right now. God has asked me to trust Him and to ask for help. But rather than asking for help (pride) I worry about if I will have enough money for food or gas. I worry about my support account being full by September 1st. Worrying has taken up a lot of time lately.
So as I journaled and read this morning I found myself in this dialogue with the Lord. He then brought Matthew 6 to mind….
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what
you will eat or drink;
or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more
important than food,
and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they
do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds
them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your
life?
Matthew 6:25-27
Honestly….I find myself sitting in a coffee shop right now
crying while reading this (this tends to be normal in coffee shops now that I’m
back). I’m crying out desperately wanting to live this faith, but feeling the
struggle within myself doubting that its possible. Still sitting in the worry
wondering how is the money going to come? How the Lord is going to possibly
make it happen. I find myself questioning God’s character and ability. Really?
After all I’ve seen, heard, and know?
Yes, really.
For 27 years I have provided for myself and lived independently (or lived in that
illusion) – as if that is something to brag about.
But in this new season I have been stripped of all ability to do either one of
those. This goes against our culture. It’s humbling. It’s scary. It’s vulnerable. And I feel it.
I feel naked.
I feel exposed.
And in true human fashion I’ve been searching for someTHING or
someONE to fill that hole, to cover my nakedness. Nothing is working. Nothing
satisfies. Only God. Only his word. It is the one thing that brings comfort; that
feels like a blanket (or my favorite sweater) covering my areas of exposure.
It’s a gentle breeze that brings release (thus the crying). And its what brings me to write this today.
I don’t have it figured out. Trust me! But I think that’s the beauty. That
I can struggle with God thru this growing period learning to walk in faith like a
toddler takes their first steps. I have good strides some days and I fall down other days. But I continue to press on.
I’m learning what it looks like to live in complete dependence on the Lord. What is looks like to live in complete faith.
I’m learning to walk.
I’m learning…..
With his help my stride will become stronger.
With his help my pace will pick up.
With his help I will run a marathon(lifetime)….
exposed.
dependent.
vulnerable.
NAKED.
If you are able to be apart of God’s provision and want to partner in my journey click on the SUPPORT ME tab on the left or click here. I have $6,180 to raise before Sept. 1, 2011.
