This month I haven’t known what to write….and so I didn’t.
This month a lot of
disapproval has been thrown my way. Questioning of my identity, my strength, my
race. The truth I live by was being tested. I felt lost, scared, confused, and
didn’t want to write about it. It was Month 11! It’s supposed to be a month of
AMAZING ministry, or walking out all that I‘ve learned this year….I was supposed
to be put together, prefect, someone who had it all together…..I’m a missionary for
goodness sakes!
Welll……ha! Finishing well looked different.
Finishing well looked broken.
Rather than end the race on a “high� as I expected, I
finished this month flat on my face. I finished humble and more dependent than I ever have been on the Lord.
In Kuala Lumpur if I didn’t start the day with
prayer and worship I literally couldn’t make it through the day. Without the
Word of God and truth etched in my mind and heart I would lose the battle I
was in the middle of. And to be honest, I lost the battle many days this month. I blundered, I stumbled, and I turned in circles. As I spiraled lost and confused I
was reminded I couldn’t do it alone. Something that I could easily pick up as I
re-enter America. I was humbled….again and was reminded to start each day at my God’s
feet.
I found myself in
front of a mirror this month and I had to make a choice. Would I be the person tossed by
the wind and double minded? Would I doubt my God’s goodness? Would I read
the Word and then walk away and forget what it says and
not live it out? Or would I push through and look intently at the Lord and live
in freedom? (Scripture/truth from James
1)
It was rough and not pretty. But as I looked in the mirror trying to decide my Heavenly Father and my team met me with truth and grace. They met me with love. My team pushed me to the Lord and with Him I
saw that He was giving me an opportunity to declare my identity, to
speak out the TRUTH of who I am, and to choose freedom. He gave me the choice to circle around lost or to live out and speak out the Word of God. To live in the Truth rather than be controlled by my
emotions or circumstance.
This choice I have
to make every day here in Malaysia and in the US. And it may get harder in the US, I don’t know. But I do know
that even after traveling the world I still have to take every thought captive. I
still have struggles. I still stumble. I still have to
battle my pride, my fears, and the lies that come against me. And I now more than ever before live in dependence upon the Lord. I have to
lay bare before the Lord, open and humble to all that He has. I’m not perfect
after this race. I’m not stronger than any of you reading this blog just
because I served overseas for 11 months. I’m no different than you. I’m just
as much in need of my Savior as you….truly I’ve realized that I need Him more than
I did before I left last year. Truly I come home more broken and humbled than before I
left. I come home with scars that the Lord left as He worked in my life, as he redefined me. I come home flat on my face baren before the Lord. I come home loved.
As I enter the US in a mere 48 hours humbled, broken, and full of
scars his love and life radiant from within. I enter new, refined, whole, and radiant.
Thank you Jesus for all you have done!!! Thank you supporters who have sowed into me financially and prayerfully. You were a part of the Kingdom not only in my life but around the nations. Thank you for your love and support! I could NOT have done this without you!!!
Thank you!!!
