Really, it’s laughable now to look back on conversations I had with people before going on the race.
I would say things like, “I think the hardest part will be the bugs, and the tent, and the lack of showers.” I would predict the ease with which I would acclimate to different cultures, learn new languages, and face spiritual challenges. I considered myself to be so spiritually mature.
Previous racers warned me, “This is the hardest thing you will ever do.”
I laughed these comments off. I truly thought that the World Race would be easy. I imagined myself loving every bit of living in community. Loving the different cultures, the changes, the intellectual stimulation, the food. After all, I had plenty of experience in other cultures, in different countries, and living in community. I pictured ministry days full of challenges similar to those I had already faced in previous missions work. I anticipated that culture shoc2k wouldn’t be a thing for me, since I was so well traveled.
It truly is laughable, to reflect on all of the things that I thought.
Future racers, take this blog as a warning. The World Race is not easy. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care if you have backpacked through Europe, or camped for entire summers, or lived with people that were hard to live with, or worked in ministry. The World Race is hard.
The bugs, the tenting, the dirtyness of going days at a time without showering, even the boa constrictors and scorpions…these things actually haven’t bothered me a bit. They are the absolute least of my worries.
What I wasn’t prepared for (despite the countless warnings) was the spiritual turmoil that the World Race would cause. The brokenness, the exhaustion, the emotional discomfort of being outside your culture and family for 11 months- the days where I just want to wear my shoes or not wear my shoes, or wave hello or point, or not eat all of my food, or be by myself for just five minuts…. the hardship of living, eating, sleeping and working with the same 4 or 5 people, the lack of personal time. The inability to get in my car and drive somewhere quiet. Having the energy (and weather) to up and go for a run. Going to church in english. The simple things that you come to realize aren’t so simple after all.
I wasn’t prepared for the World Race to wreck me. I liked who I was. I thought that I had gotten out most of my kinks in college, and that my spiritual walk from here on out would be more like fine tuning. I was strong, independant, and God fearing. It’s not like I would have any major breakdowns or spiritual growth spirts. Just fun and work, with a few life long lessons sprinkled in that would change me enough to feel worth it, but not really change me all together.
Lol.
The World Race has ruined me. It has stripped me of things that I considered to be the essence of who I was. There are countless habits that I absolutely can never go back to. Throwing away food, living by myself, needing to be the strongest person in the room. I am not who I was 6 months ago. I find my strength in the Lord and not in myself. I give grace more frequently (mostly out of necessity). I have the hard conversations. I do the things I don’t want to do rather than waitng for someone else to step up. I am not afriad of failure. I do my very best to not seek approval from people, but cover everyone I meet with love, and wait on the approval of my Heavenly Father. I recognize when my actions are driven out of a place of fear, people pleasing, or insecurity. I know that it’s not my job to fix everything, and more importantly I know that I can’t. I feel naked in shorts and a tank top, and I’m quite sure I would no longer consider hot and spicy salsa to be hot or spicy. The World Race broke me, beautifully, when I thought I couldn’t break anymore. When I thought I was done. It has changed me. And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
The World Race is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Team leading has presented me with both the most challenges and the most growth of probably any other stage of life. There are days where all I want to do is cry, or throw things, or quit. And on those days I am forced into the loving and gracious arms of my Heavenly father. On those days I know that there are 4 women who love me for exactly who I am and where I am at, who will encourage and push me, even when I am tired of being pushed.
On the days where I just want everything to be easy, I know deep down that I can never go back to easy again.
To completely surrend yourself to what the Lord has for you, no matter what or where your missions field is….that’s the good fight. Whether you are living in the States following the career path of your dreams, or on an international missions field, God tests us and refines us. He calls us higher than we think we can jump. He calls us way deeper than the place where our feet can touch the ground. It won’t always be easy but it will most definitely be worth it. My oh so wise Squad Mentor Ben told me last night “When you feel like your drowning, remember that the reason you got in the deep water is because you wanted to learn how to swim.”
And thats all I can ask for on the days that are hard, to leave this crazy adventure having learned how to swim.
