I know I have struggled with anxiety my entire life. There are points that I can remember be paralyzed by it. I didn’t want to go places or do things as simple as returning a library book without someone to go with me. I wouldn’t ask for to go boxes at restaurants. Mostly any and all social interactions created some sort of anxiety in me.
Even though I dealt with it everyday I still didn’t realize the hold it had on my life. I didn’t know the effect it had on my relationships and even on me.Over the past few months god has been bringing to light just how much anxiety rules my life. He brought one instance up that really made it clear.
In Malaysia, my team was living in an apartment that had a washing machine. It was such a blessing, but you had to fill it with water yourself, which was still amazing that we didn’t have to hand wash the entire month. You also had to fill the machine with water again when there were 14 mins left in the cycle to rinse the clothes. If you didn’t the machine would stay at 14 mins. I saw that one of my teammates was washing their clothes and the machine was at 14 mins. I decided to be helpful and put the water in for them.
After I did, I was struck with this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness about telling them. I had a war in my head and still wound up walking away without saying a word. Later I watched as my teammate discovered the machine was done, and without any knowledge of me putting the water in the came to the conclusion the machine must have malfunctioned. Confused, they restarted the machine to wash their clothes again. Again I could not open my mouth to say that i had helped and the clothes were rinsed. I was so mad at myself. What could possibly have been that scary thy I couldn’t tell someone I helped them. It made no sense.
I didn’t tell my teammates about it until 2 months later. We all laughed. It was funny, but at the same time, it was sad. It was a sad realization of how much control I have over because of fear. Fear of being judged. Fear of not having the right words. Fear of failing. Fear of rejection.
Speaking out all of this to my team has given them opportunities to speak life and truth in to me. It also gave them a chance to fight for me. Pick me up when I fall, dust me off and challenge me in new ways. I still get waves of anxiety, but I’m not fighting alone. I have my team behind me and God is always with me.
I knew that already, but I had to realize some truths about the fact that God is with you all the time. He is capable of all things. And because He is part of you that means you are capable of all things also, if you seek Him in all things. When you think “I can’t,” God says “I can!” He fills in the areas where you fall short. You have to remember that. You can’t get caught up in the lies of the enemy that say you aren’t enough, because God says you are. If you pursue God in all that you do, then He will make sure that what you do brings Him glory.
Love always,
Meg
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