Honduras.
It was a particularly difficult month. We had a Beauty for Ashes workshop with an exercise that could sound relatively simple to anyone else: ask God what to draw.
I didn’t even need to ask. I already knew what He wanted me to draw.
A bedroom in a house in the mountains. Where I was first abused.
I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it. I just started crying among the small group I’d gathered with. Just when I thought I’d been able to move on from it, there was still so much pain that had control over me.
Then that weekend, there was something we were all looking forward to for quite a few weeks.
The Awakening: an event where three different squads—each in different months in their Race—came together to celebrate Thanksgiving and to also learn from each other and encourage each other.
We did worship differently each night. That first night, people from our squads were available to provide intercessory prayer.
I knew I was still dealing with a lot of pain, so I went up to one of my squad-mates: Summer. (Love you, Sum!)
After she prayed for me, she shared that God gave her the image of a star. I was that star, surrounded by many others, yet I was shining brighter than the others.
The second time stars came up.
Onto our next night of worship, we were told to worship however we felt comfortable or wherever. That’s when God said for me to go out and look at the stars.
Side note: This is actually where the painting I mentioned in my last blog post comes in.
This next part is from my journal:
“At first, I didn’t see anything, but then the more I looked, the more stars appeared. God revealed in that moment the more I look into the darkness in my own life, the more truths will appear and He will take me through things one by one. And the possibilities He has for my life are as endless as the universe. At that point, I started sobbing and had to take a break.
After wiping my face, I looked up at the stars again and asked God why He was so amazing to me. He said, ‘I loved you before you were born and I love you just as strongly now.’
Then I noticed there were two stars over a certain part of the mountains that looked like a tattoo design from one of my favorite book series, A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas. It’s actually a tattoo I’ve considered getting for a long while as a visual reminder that I made it through something horrible and came out stronger (sorry, Mom and Dad! don’t worry, I don’t have one).
The only difference in that moment was the design has three stars rather than two. And for some reason, I wondered if I’d really heard all of this stuff from God in those few moments. Perhaps it had all just been something I daydreamed.
Not even five seconds later, that third star began to rise over the mountain.
Remember that painting I mentioned? I was seeing it right before my eyes! I felt like I was in my favorite book series having a huge character growth moment that I couldn’t help but sob like a baby.
God then said, “You are a survivor. You didn’t deserve it. You’re here now.” And somehow, the words kept repeating until I was saying it about myself and I was believing it!”
I BROKE FREE OF A LIE!!!
It felt so weird, cause I’d never felt like that before. And God, being the way that He is, finished with, “You are like that star. You’re facing your mountain, but you’ll rise like that star to the point where the mountain won’t be able to touch you anymore.”
*cue the relentless sobbing*
So, that’s the story that took me months to write down. I hope you enjoyed it or got something out of a piece of my continuing story.
