Halfway through my month in Cambodia, I got an email from one of my squad mates, Sarah. She was informing the squad that at our upcoming debrief we would be having a joint worship night with Fusion Squad (a pilot World Race team that is composed of a diverse group of men and women from all over the world). In Sarah’s email, she asked for a few of us to pray about sharing our testimonies, and I immediately felt a tug on my heart to do so. Without reading much further, I sent her a message back saying I was in. Later, when I actually took the time to read the fine print, I realized it was suppose to be a testimony of your time on the Race. I began racking my brain for themes of what God had been teaching me over these past 8 months…things like learning to love children and dreaming big. I was willing to talk about anything, anything EXCEPT the main theme I had been struggling with and learning to embrace the whole Race. As time got closer to this debrief and worship night, the Lord placed it more and more on my heart to talk about this terrifying subject. I finally gave in.
Butterflies and nerves started to take hold of me, both before and during my talk, but I managed through it, and the freedom that came after it was incomparable! I didn’t realize how much I needed to share and how much others needed to hear it as well. Without further ado, I’d like to share with you all my talk from that debrief.
Fusion Talk:
Disclaimer … I normally would edit this story, tip toe around what The Lord is actually teaching me and skim the surface to tell you some grand theme and how you can apply it.
Lesson 1: Be vulnerable. The Lord is going to call you to do and say things this year that will terrify you. Say them anyway.
So here’s the truth: I struggle to be single.
I had my interview for the Race in Fall of 2013. I’m not sure what yours looked like, but mine was full of rehashing my testimony, one where all the highest and lowest points were punctuated with great loves or heartaches.
Does your story have a theme? I noticed a long time ago that when I tell mine it sounds something like this… “When I dated Chase, this happened… When I dated Luke, this happened…” Everything revolved around men.
So when the woman interviewing me on the other end of the line said, “Meagan, can you commit to not dating until the Race and while on the Race?” it truly sounded like a godsend. I wanted to get rid of that identity, so without hesitation I said “OF COURSE!” When I finally did the math, I realized I WAS COMMITTING TO NOT DATE FOR 19 MONTHS!!!
I wish I could tell you I stuck to my promise, but to be honest, I don’t think it even lasted a month before I was making weekend trips to Nashville to see my on and off boyfriend from college. Our strange relationship continued all the way up until I left for the Race. And the best way to describe it was that I was trying to seek comfort when my world was about to shift dramatically.
Lesson 2: If you have one of these guys/girls back home, that one that’s comfortable so you just keep them in the picture or hold on to the tiniest bit of hope, I’d challenge you to ask the Lord if it’s time to let go.
It wasn’t long before I realized (for probably the 100th time) that I had no desire to ever be with him, so I took advantage of being halfway around the world and cut off ties. It was pretty liberating, but what happened next I didn’t expect. I started falling for another guy… one on my squad.
Suddenly all the rules went out the window again. Of course I respected the “no dating” policy the World Race had, but I walked dangerously close to those lines, emotionally investing myself into something that I selfishly wanted. It went on for a few months, until one of my best friends on the squad came to me at a debrief in Malaysia (halfway throughout my Race) and asked me some pretty hard questions. Things like: “Do you think what you’re doing is distracting you from building your relationship with the Lord on the Race?” and “Is this really the singleness that God called you to?”
That night I cried with her for over an hour in the corner of a McDonalds. I listened while God spoke through her, and I attempted to verbally process because I was hurting and I didn’t know why.
I slowly started to uncover that I had so many wounds from men. Wounds that I had never allowed to heal because my remedy was always another guy, never Jesus.
Lesson 3: Call your friends out! Buy into feedback. It’s sometimes messy, but if your don’t call your friends and teammates to higher places, you’re stifling an opportunity to let them grow.
God asked me to do something big that night, something I really didn’t want to do… He asked me to give up that relationship, to stop talking to the man on my squad that had been one of my biggest comforts on the Race. And I hated him for it, but I agreed.
Lesson 4: It’s totally ok to be angry with God. But when he’s asking you to do something you don’t want to do, I promise it’s for your good.
As I walked back to our hostel in Malaysia, I was NOT excited for the conversation that was about to happen. I imagined worst case senerios. But as we sat down and the words spilled out, two really amazing things happened. 1: I was filled with this amazing sense of calm and peace. And 2: Without question, he respected and honored my decision.
Lesson 5: Men, honor the women on your squad and protect their hearts when you can. And, women, honor the men on your squad and protect their hearts when you can.
It’s been 3 months since my cry sesh in McDonalds, and I have seen the Lord’s faithfulness more than ever! I’ve experience richer community by diving more into friendships with the women on our squad. I’ve slowly allowed myself to trust God with my future. And I’ve grown in intimacy with the Lord as he’s walked with me in learning to embrace singleness.
It’s not always easy, and I definitely have to remind myself at times, but The Lord has called me to this season of singleness. I don’t know how it will all end. But as my teammate Jordan told me one day, “it’s all part of trusting God and believing his story is a lot better than the one I try to write myself.”
