He is greater than my expectations. He is greater than my understanding. He is greater than my abilities. He is greater than my fear. As I greeted the majority of my squad in the Atlanta airport for the first time I realized that unlike many of them I had not dreamed of this moment. I hadn’t stayed up the night before in eager anticipation of what that morning held, and I hadn’t even begun to think about what ten days of training camp would look like. I was submerged in a sea of racers and drowned by the question, “Aren’t you SO excited?” I responded with a cheery YES each time knowing fully that the true answer was a simple no. I justified my negativity by asking myself, “How can I be excited for something when I have no idea what to expect?” For some people I suppose that’s where the excitement factor kicks in. The mystery stirs and causes their imagination to run wild with what ifs and string together conversations that will never be had in reality.
Arriving in the airport that day wasn’t the only time I felt the burden of indifference. A month or so earlier my excitement was non-existent when I opened an email announcing that my squad would be the first all girls squad. I began to view our squad as an experiment destined to fail, and doubted my decisions considering I had been handed the opportunity to switch squads a few weeks earlier, yet I declined. Training camp felt like the final test of whether or not I really belonged on my squad. As I went to sleep early that first night, avoiding socialization, I felt defeated, disconnected, and as if my fear of poor decision-making had been confirmed.
I awoke to the sound of tents unzipping and feared what the day held, choosing to emerge from my tent with a spirit of discouragement. However, as the day went on, I found myself learning and growing in ways I didn’t think were possible. I felt as if I was accomplishing years of progress spiritually and emotionally in a matter of a few hours. Sharing emotion and experiences wasn’t hard with these girls and learning about God’s heart for the nations wasn’t the same, “we’re gonna paint a wall for Jesus” spiel that I anticipated. My earlier lack of expectations crumbled as I realized that I did have expectations. They were merely disguised as prideful notions whispering, “they’re not going to tell you anything you don’t already know” over and over again. Midweek during worship I realized how badly I needed to give up my pride and doubt to God. The theme of the week became letting go. Letting go of my expectations, judgments, and fear allowing God to instead replace those things with hope, compassion, and courage. As soon as I let go and opened my heart to the Spirit I felt freedom unlike anything I’d ever felt before.
Training camp exhausted me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Still, I would never trade the memories made in those 10 days for all the sleep in the world. Memories of a tragically hilarious shelter building fail involving a rainstorm, 20 girls, and a small tarp. Memories of lip-sync battles and spontaneous dance offs, all night worship sessions and heart to hearts, bucket showers and tent sleepovers. Memories of learning how His greatness triumphs my messiness, and memories of how perfect that reality is.
“But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” –James 4:6-8
