“Oh give thanks to the LORD; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works!
Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice!
Seek the LORD and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
his miracles, and the judgements he uttered”
Psalm 105:1-5
I want to be a woman who remembers.
I want to keep a firm grip on the evidence of the Lord’s promises in my life. I desire holy intimacy rooted in what I know to be true about God, and I don’t ever want to let soul amnesia take that away again.
Here’s some context: Thailand was one of my absolute favorite countries so far. I lived with 23 of my favorite people, enjoyed the friendliness of the Thai people, indulged in world class street food, and served in one of my newly discovered passions, a hospitality business as missional ministry. But behind all the enchantment of Thailand, there’s a heavy, fog-ridden spiritual atmosphere that tempted me to forget what I know to be true about the Lord. My witness of His testimony in my life was threatened with a spirit of apathy that said maybe all the transformation and freedom I gained wasn’t Jesus after all. If He was as good as I claim, why would He allow so much pain into my life these last five months?
When we went through cultural orientation, our host warned us about the strongholds on communication in Thailand. I didn’t fully understand the repercussions of this at the time and I surely wasn’t about to live in fear of what spiritual attacks might occur. Naive and maybe a little arrogant, I definitely didn’t think this stronghold could stretch to my communication lines with Jesus.
I tucked that warning into my back pocket and pushed onward for an amazing all-squad month in the heart of Chiang Mai.
Somewhere in there I got so lost in hearing whispered lies about who I am and who God is, my mind was nearly wiped of the vital goodness of my Lord. My heart vision got so foggy and so muddled I couldn’t help but ram into walls, wondering where I took a wrong turn.
I did my best to walk in obedience through this. I went to Scripture and scouted out the promises printed in black and white. I checked the boxes of daily prayer and devotion. Despite this, I still found myself in a place of apathy. I didn’t feel like spending time with God. I didn’t feel like He was coming through on my asks. I felt weary, broken, and fed up with the growing pains that have greeted me daily since I flew away last August. Essentially, I allowed my feelings to become my perceived reality for a brief time. No wonder I was forgetting God’s story in my life
Discouraged and isolated from my Friend, Father, and Helper, I nearly reached my wits end. I had to decide if I believe everything about God or nothing at all. I could either press in through stagnancy or divorce God altogether. There was no middle ground.
I always knew there was only one real choice. Sitting in my fog of frustration with God was not leading to life, but an obvious spiritual death. It was plain to see in my downtrodden attitude, my lack of motivation, and the heaviness in my spirit. Thankfully, there was a piece of me that still faintly remembered what it was to taste and see the goodness of the Lord (Psalm 34:8). I missed my dearest Friend. Even through the confusion, even through the crippling doubts that He would ever relieve me, I knew I wasn’t about to abandon the only real, pure Love I’ve ever known.
As much as it sucks to realize I was in deep limbo between God’s reality and my emotions, Jesus is using this for His glory and my good.
He is revealing the parallels between our relationship and marriage as He intends it to be. Similar to a bride and bridegroom, my relationship with God goes through different stages as it matures. There’s been a honeymoon phase and there’s this recent phase where I’ve had to actively choose to be intentional in keeping this covenant. Divorce is never an option, so the only way to go is forward. Marriage means loving your spouse even when you don’t feel like it. When you’re weary, broken, and fed up, you don’t just get to walk away. You press in. You choose love. You find it somewhere within yourself to remember why you’re doing this in the first place.
He has been so gracious, especially when my heart wanders. Especially when I’m most undeserving of His perfect presence, He stands by me. He doesn’t wash his hands of me no matter how unfaithful I want to be. He is always faithful; always good. He never forgets or goes back on His promises.
Even more uncomfortable than realizing I was in this place is writing about it for the whole Internet to see. Maybe you’re reading this from America. Maybe you’re shocked that a missionary so committed to Jesus would come to this place.
I could listen to the whispered lies that I shouldn’t expose myself in this way, but that would be robbing myself of an opportunity to glorify God. I think we all struggle with doubt. I think it’s part of our fallen nature to be tempted to check out of relationships when the going gets tough. In the same breath, there’s beauty in the freedom to question and wrestle with our faith.
That’s how it becomes real and personal. Just as the forgetful Israelites wandered out of the will of God over and over, and He still pursued them relentlessly, the same is true today for us. He chases after my wandering, forgetful heart. He wows me with his intention to win my heart fully, forever. My teammate Kelley put it so well when she said, “Without doubt, we wouldn’t have wonder.”
Slowly but surely, God is reminding me of my wonder. He’s revealing His intention behind the last five months of my race, and I’m actually coming to a place of gratitude for what it taught me. I asked the Lord to help me fall back in love with him, and day by day I see our relationship taking familiar shape again. The fog has lifted and I can see my Jesus again.
This brings me to a question for you. Are you remembering the evidence of God’s love in your life? Are you even aware that your entire purpose for existence is to be loved by your Creator?
Take a moment and dig in to why you’re doing this thing in the first place. Find your “why” for Jesus and hold it close to your heart for the rest of time.
In Bill Johnson’s “Releasing the Spirit of Prophesy,” he makes an argument for why remembering what God has done is so important when it comes to changing the current atmosphere and shifting the future.
“Without a constant awareness of God and the testimonies that speak of His nature, we will inevitably reduce our vision and ministry down to what we can accomplish with our gifts and strength.”
I don’t know about you, but relying on my own strength has never gotten me anywhere good. It’s taken me to dead ends and dark alleyways. I would rather live out of His power any day.
I challenge you, as God has challenged all of us, to remember Him today. Seek Him with your whole heart and close the door on the lies that contradict His nature.
“I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.”
Psalm 77:11
Love and blessings,
McKenzie
