Hi, I’m McKenzie and I’m addicted to being busy.
It was our second day in Chimaltenango when a question posed by Allison, my ever-wise squad leader, sunk in deep and convicted me of this.
“Do you think praying is less impactful than going out and talking to people?”
We were talking about all the wiggle room this month’s ministry schedule allows for. I was in the process of drawing out a game plan for my open afternoons, thinking of where to go and who to build relationships with in this city.
I mentioned evangelizing in the park or joining other ministry teams in my free time. I even made a declaration that “I just don’t want to spend my whole month praying in my room.”
Thus, her question came about and prompted this realization of the belief in my heart. I would have loved to give the “right answer,” but the truth is I don’t act like praying makes the same impact as doing something, anything outside of the four walls of our host home.
After some reflection, I see why.
Before launch, I made a promise to myself and to God. I vowed to never leave space for the words “if only I did more” at the end of each month. I want to take all that the Lord gives me and pour it out onto people who need Him desperately. I want to make every day count.
While it is beautiful that God has given me a heart that beats for others, there is absolutely no room for self care in my super-girl vision.
God has been knocking on the door of my heart and asking me to simply rest in His arms again.
He says, “My child, you can’t bear the burdens of this world on your own.”
He is reminding me how vital it is to fill my own cup before pouring out every drop and coming up dry.
I also have to check my motives in my drive to constantly do, do, do. Is it because I genuinely want to love this community well or is it out of fear that no one else will do the work?
And who am I to say what manifestation of God’s love is best for the Kingdom? Maybe today He is calling me to talk to the kids shining shoes to buy their next meal. Tomorrow He could want me to soak in His word for the majority of the afternoon. Neither takes bigger priority in His heart.
At the end of the day, my battle between doing and being comes down to trust.
Do I really trust God with the outcome of people’s lives? Or does my desire to control tell me I must see how their story ends?
Examining the evidence in my own life only makes the answer more clear.
He hears my prayers and answers.
He has never let me down.
His character is good and doesn’t change.
He is faithful and trustworthy.
He is capable of far more than I can expect or imagine.
He is The Good Shepherd, not only for me, but for the people of Guatemala and the entire world.
He is mighty to save.
Instead of continuing to run into walls, plagued with burnout and frustration, I am making a new promise.
Jesus, I am giving you all of me. Whatever you have for me today, I want it. I don’t want to leave space for the words “I wish I sought your will more” this month. Show me how to grow into deeper intimacy with you, and make my service to others an overflow of the love you’ve poured into me. I am laying outcomes at your feet. I trust your ability to deliver on your promises.
Lead me wherever you please, whether that is to some family’s doorstep or my secret place with you.
Whatever it is, it is surely good.
