The first draft of this post began with an expression of relief that I finally have time to write after a month of exams, papers, trying to focus on fundraising, starting a new job, working toward becoming financially independent from my parents, and trying to be everything to everyone. As much as I want to blame lack of time for my avoidance, it’s better that I stay honest.
In the spirit of keeping it real (even if only for myself), I’m willing to rephrase the thought and say this is the first time in over a month I’ve had the motivation to write, or do much of anything that doesn’t have a hard deadline tacked on to it.
Between all the life transitions, pressure to get it all right (caused by my own perfectionism), and items on my schedule, I went into autopilot for a while there. My prayers lacked passion, my time alone with God was getting shorter, and all I cared about was checking the next box on my ever-growing to-do list.
Guard down, the things of this world began to take my attention off Jesus. I began to forget how much I need God to get through even half a day. I couldn’t make it through a simple prayer or meditation without the urge to pick up my phone or chew over my mental to do list. Doubt, fear, and bitterness began to creep back in, and I found myself sinking into a hole of depression and anxiety fueled by selfishness and unrest.
My passion for sharing the light of Jesus was quickly fading. I didn’t like this version of myself. I wondered how I, someone who likes to think they’re willing to give up everything to follow God, could go back to that place in a matter of weeks, yet there I was.
Amidst it all, I found myself wondering why a God like ours would want anything to do with a forgetful, wandering girl like me. My perspective said he pulled away because of my thinking and behavior. I was looking at life from one flawed, inaccurate angle. He’s always been right here, I just couldn’t see it behind the agenda, people pleasing, and self-sufficiency. Thank God for his redeeming grace, though.
One of the most beautiful qualities of the Lord is his power to see the whole picture. I mean, duh, he painted it himself. I’m a weak, frail human who only sees a glimpse of the grandiose image he has set in his plans for me.
While it was far from pleasant, this season has and still is bringing me closer to Jesus. I’m learning that faith can’t be based on my limited view if I want to experience the joy of the Lord. Real faith stands firm in the truth of the promises of God. Circumstances and feelings shouldn’t be factors.
Today, I’m asking God to establish my steps and match my heart with his vision for me. I will set my eyes on his love and rest assured that he is walking with me to fulfill his promises. I choose the peace that is waiting when I seek him over the idol of accomplishments.
His faithfulness will never not amaze me. I’m so very grateful.
