This day marks two years since I started my journey as a woman in recovery. It’s incredible to reconnect with that feeling of being knocked to my knees in despair, yelling out “MY LIFE IS OVER” as I tossed and turned in fear of what was coming next. My brokenness was so loud. I couldn’t keep going.
You see, my life was over. Life as I knew it was no more. I could no longer sit in my denial and fake myself into thinking I could pull it together. There was no denying that my best thinking got me to that dark, eerie place. I knew it was time to surrender.
I felt the darkness inside me overtaking everything. I was being followed around by a permanent raincloud it seemed. But for the Grace of God, the clouds began to clear and my life was transformed. It took a lot: a lot of work, a lot of leaning on people, a lot of asking for help. It took faith I didn’t know I had (see: former borderline atheist). Yet, with a little honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, I began to recover and receive a new life.
I’ll spare every detail, but I just want to give a big shout out to the Lord for showing me what true love is since that day. Instead of looking for love in drinks, drugs, men, my looks, money, attention, you-name-it, I can rest in the love of the Father. The love I can’t and don’t have to strive for. It just is. The world will NEVER give me the equivalent. Thank God I don’t have to search any longer.
I literally want nothing more than to see other people come to that same realization. What we’re looking for is right here, right now. His love is all we need. It satisfies every desire and then some.
It breaks my heart to think of all the people just like me who continue going through life blinded to that, but I find peace in His sovereign will.
I don’t write this blog to brag about my righteousness or to seek praises for my “accomplishment” from the Internet. I write to brag about the great love of the Lord in His might to save us from destruction. My body, mind, and spirit desperately needed saving and there Jesus was the entire time. He never stopped pursuing His wandering, beloved child.
Not only did God save and transform me, but He now gives me the opportunity to be used by Him daily. My testimony allows me to reach and relate to people that feel terminally unique, alone, and hopeless. My weakest moments now serve as a window of hope. This is not some made up, feel-good story you see in the movies – this is my life. You can’t get more real than that. I get to share it and say “Hey, God wants the same kind of joy for you, too. He loves you more than you could ever know.” I can say these words and mean them, because I too understand what you’re feeling right now.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 2:9
I owe my entire life to God. There is no doubt that my days would look extremely different if I hadn’t stopped running from His love. This is perhaps one of the biggest reasons I’ve chosen to serve His kingdom in foreign places for 11 months. I pray that I will have the opportunity to minister to other alcoholics and drug addicts during my time on the race. I believe that God will continue to use my story in mighty ways, and I’m happy to be of service.
Thank you, Lord, for the best and worst moments of the last two years. Thank you for saving me when I wanted to run away from it all. Thank you for working through me to help other women rebuild their lives. Thank you for your redeeming grace. Thank you- just thank you. Please show me how I can serve you tomorrow, next week, and this next year. I want nothing if not to make Your beautiful name known.
Love always,
McKenzie
