Imagine this: You are smack dab in the middle of the creative process only to realize you don’t actually like the direction your piece is going.
In that moment, do you find yourself stumped at what’s to come next? Maybe a light brush stroke here, a dark line over there, take out that paragraph, change the angle altogether.
Do you maybe ask yourself, “What will it take to transform this mediocre painting, blog, drawing, or song into something I’m actually proud of?”
As I’ve been on this journey around the world, God has simultaneously taken me on a journey with creativity.
Most often, my creative gifts come out in writing. Lately, however, the Lord has been leading me to switch gears.
One afternoon in Nepal, I sat in a coffee shop that lends out art supplies, and I painted this beautiful mess of a garden. In the process, I struggled with where to take it next. Truthfully, I wanted to turn the page and start over. But I decided to continue putting the brush to the paper and eventually, I came out with this. I walked out of that coffee shop overjoyed with what I created. It’s not perfect, but I think that makes it all the more special to me.
Looking back to that day, I see how my process went deeper than simply working through the kinks of a painting. This creative worship was actually prophetic to what God would have for me in India.
It’s been a beautiful and messy time. It’s the kind of season that rips you out of comfort, terrifies you half to death, and revives your spirit as you find security in the Father’s tender heart.
India has enchanted me for years with her colorful fabrics, spicy food, and exotic traditions. I was looking forward to this country, but I was also afraid of what I would find here.
Along with vibrant culture, I expected to see street kids begging, gender roles oppressing, and poverty overpowering. Unsurprisingly, I found both the beauty and the messy here.
In the process, when I was so unsure of where to go next and how to fix the ugliness of the world, I just wanted to turn the page and start over. I wanted to escape my inability rather than embrace God’s ability. Instead of boasting in my weakness, I wanted to hide.
This cop-out attitude began to show itself in a multitude of ways.
Community was a struggle, so I avoided people and situations which might cause me pain.
I carried shame around my bold personality, so I pulled back and decided to stop being myself.
My heart broke at the reality of women and girls being unvalued, so I numbed my feelings by scrolling Instagram.
While my coping mechanisms are much healthier than they used to be, I’m not proud of the way I allowed fear to dictate my reactions to the world around me.
The Lord is so good, though, because he pulled me out of my own mess and revealed the beauty that was always there. The hope he gives is bigger and better, closer and more real, than anything that tries to threaten it.
It’s so easy to focus on the darkness when it seems to be all around. Closer and deeper than maybe any other time, I’ve witnessed that darkness here in India.
Through the process of this month, I’ve had to fight like hell to set my eyes on the light. I’ve had to choose to remember that God is good, no matter what. I’ve had to put my faith in things unseen, even if what I can see is screaming for me to trust it instead. I’ve had to continue working through the kinks when I want to turn the page and start over.
And when I do that, when I press into the struggle and the uncertainty, I always find beauty on the other side. The beauty doesn’t always look like a gift with a bow tied around it, but it’s beauty nonetheless. Maybe the mess is necessary to see the beauty in the first place.
The words on my painting are from a song called “Seasons Change” by United Pursuit. They read:
“Lord you’ve been faithful
to plant the seed,
and you will be faithful
to always send your rain.”
What a beautiful reminder these words serve for all of us. God is faithful in the thick of uncertainty, doubt, fear, hopelessness, and every other form of darkness we face. He’s done his part, and now it’s up to you and me to fight through.
Surely, a beautiful mess is waiting for us on the other side.
