Heartbroken. That is the only thing I have felt the past 40 hours since I got the news I would be returning home to the states. I woke up this morning and immediately felt nauseous when reality set in that I hadn’t just woke up from a nightmare.
My mind floods with questions to God. “What next? Why, Lord? Do I wait and go back to the field? Will we even get the opportunity to go back on the field?” There is a lot of unknown. The unknown is what makes it impossible to process what is going on. In the questioning, I decided to journal. I asked God five big questions that I desperately wanted Him to answer.
Despite me being a people person, when I feel a lot of things and can’t process, I get anxiety which looks like me getting aggravated with everyone around me. Knowing this about myself, I stayed home today while everyone else (besides two other squad mates) went to see elephants. During this time I cried (a lot), spent time in the Word, conversed with the Father, and slept. The sweet woman we are staying with came in the room to check on me. She is an actual angel sent from heaven. She asked if she could pray for me and I said of course! As she prayed, I heard three of the five questions I asked the Lord this morning answered. The other two He has yet to answer, but I know He will in time. Isn’t He kind? I asked Him immediately after our host prayed over me why He answered the questions I asked & He replied with “because I delight in you Kenz”. Yes, I cried.
One thing I do not question in all of this is His goodness. His character is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). I remain faithful in knowing this about Him whom I love. I do question what is next for me & I am ohkay with being patient until He makes the path straight and leads me.
I do ask that you all are patient with me. The next few weeks will be a time of processing for me. As many of you all want to ask how my trip was, remember I am still grieving (as of yet) not finishing the remainder 9 months of my trip. I am parting ways with 30 people in my life who have become family. I am leaving the calling the Lord gave me to overseas missions to a temporary call back to the states. IT IS HARD. & I do not have the answers to many of the questions you all (probably) want to ask me.
In saying that, I just thank you all for the support and continued love you all have shown me. Without you all, I wouldn’t have been able to witness the past two months of my life.
All in all, if God did this just to remind me of my calling to be overseas, it was worth it. If He did this just to stretch me + grow me, it was worth it. If He did this just to give me 30 extra people to love on for this season, it was worth it. If He did this just to remind me He loves me, it was worth it. If He did this just to tell me He delights in me, it was worth it. It was worth it because He who sent me IS WORTH IT.
