The past few days I have been sad. Really sad. I didn’t know why I was feeling this way and I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to process through the way I was feeling. Last night I came to the realization that I have been distancing myself from God. It happened so fast, I questioned how I got to this point. I have given this statement to others over and over again to explain where I am spiritually; When I came home from the field, God and I were at an all time high in our relationship, but the devil was right up there with Him. I was experiencing being the closest I have ever been to the Father, but also under the highest level of attack I had mentally been through with the enemy. It was like I was in the middle of the Father and the enemy. They both had one of my arms and were yanking me their way to be closer to one of them. The enemy might have thought he had won in the scenario up until today.
I got alone with the Father today. I physically placed myself outside and away from everything else going on so I could be completely alone with Him. I asked Him what He was teaching me through everything that has happened to me since returning home from the field, which includes lots of heartbreak. Heartbreak from leaving my community, from having to form a new reality of what life is going to look like for me for this season, from losing someone I held close to my heart, and from years of bondage glued to loved ones that seems like it will never break.
God holds me during this time of heartbreak, but also reminded me of something very important. What I am feeling is temporary, as is everything on this earth. A huge key word here: feeling. It is no mistake that the Lord designed the woman with such emotion, but it is also no new thing that the enemy tries to manipulate every good thing God gives. Helloooo peopleeee, that is the very thing he did when he first made his appearance on this earth. The enemy manipulated. It should not come as a surprise to me that the enemy would manipulate me with emotions. As I questioned God more of how we got to this point, He showed me that I got “caught up in my feelings” of everything going on around me. He showed me some big things today that I wanted to share with you all::
(1) Kingdom aspect: does it really matter, Kenz? This is something God ask me a lot to take me away from my emotional attachment to a situation and refocus my mind on the kingdom. Yes the Lord hears our cries and cares for us, but if you can get past what you’re feeling in the moment and ask yourself this question, I have been shown time and time again that in the long run the answer is no. The situation that I put above God and try to control in my own hands does not matter. When we are united with the Father after this life is over, a lot of things I find myself worrying over does not matter.
(2) Faith is not only believing in what you cannot see, but also choosing to believe in what you cannot feel. As a little girl, I was always taught to believe in what I cannot see. Now being older, God is teaching me that I also am to believe in what I cannot feel. Not to get so caught up in the way I feel when I am close to Him because I was just as close to Him while I was laying in my bed last night questioning where He was.
(3) Feelings = Nothing
BUT
Jesus = E V E R Y T H I N G
Feelings are fleeting. An emotion of being mad towards someone who has done you wrong, an emotion of being sad because someone hurt you, it all can change. Therefore we can never rely or trust in how we are feeling. We always must trust in the Father because He is never changing. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. A promise we can put our faith into.
(4) Distance is avoidance. While I was asking God why we were so distant, He asked me what I was avoiding. My process went something like this in my journal:
distance is avoidance
I am distancing myself from?: out of fear
fear?: fear I won’t overcome and be
stronger on the other side
lies from enemy
Surrender everything to God.
Everything I have been feeling the past couple of days is rooted at one lie from the enemy. The scheming done of the devil to twist my feelings around a lie he has told me to in return have me question God. Like I said, the devil probably thought he had my arm a little further on his side up until today, but what he didn’t realize was that my Father was holding me the whole time allowing the enemy to tug at my arm so I would be more grounded in knowing who and what to put my trust in. It is a daily surrender: putting my trust in the Lord and not in the emotions that arise from my flesh.
The Lord constantly has reminded me of Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” This is a verse that sweet Karen (my squad coach) gave me at launch before we left on the race. It is a verse I have clung to ever since. God is always reminding me that in every situation that comes my way He is here. He is with me. He is strengthening me. Thank you, Lord.
