In the month of April, I watched many of my friends step into new leadership roles, have their writing published, and be asked to teach on aspects of life that they excelled in.
I celebrated their accomplishments alongside them, but a nagging voice kept questioning,
“What about me?”
I love serving those around me and growing in my own quiet way, but I thrive when others notice. Now that’s not the answer I’m supposed to give. I’m supposed to say, “No, I love serving and growing, even if no one notices.” And while that is partially true, it’s not the whole truth. I struggled not to be annoyed and judgmental and bitter when people around me were being recognized, and I was not.
What if I’m growing and maturing and no one notices? What if no one wants to hear my opinion or trusts my knowledge? What if I’m never asked to do anything but follow?
Could I be satisfied with God’s attention alone?
At this current point, I don’t think I could answer that with a complete yes. I could be partially satisfied, but the lame part of myself craves that recognition from other people.
When we showed up to debrief (a few days of rest and learning and team changes, at least during this particular debrief), I was still wrestling with wanting recognition but knowing intellectually that I was satisfied with my individual, under-the-radar growth.
At debrief, however, I was asked to be the team leader for our new team. I was both thankful for and confused by this offer. I was so thankful that leadership at the World Race was pleased with my character and leadership abilities. But I also wondered why God would give me this role when He knew I was struggling with needing recognition. Wouldn’t it be better to let me wrestle through it a few more weeks? Or was this His way of showing me that I’m seen?
Honestly, I haven’t come to a complete conclusion. And I want to invite all of you into that process. I normally talk about my problems only after I’ve solved them. My problems come out in an organized list with five-step solutions because I’ve already mulled them over in my mind, again and again.
But I’m recognizing that doing so makes it seem as though I might have things all together, when I certainly do not. So here’s a glimpse at my mess. Please, feel free to speak truth into this situation. I value your wisdom!
And to my readers, I challenge you to join me in this. Tell someone about your mess in the midst of it, rather than at the end when it’s all tidied up and put away. Maybe the results will surprise you.
