In some ways I apologize for writing this because I am not on the Race. I am not currently on an international mission field and if that is what you are looking for this is not it. I am simply writing a blog to express my feelings and if you are someone who has advice for me, wants to pray for me, or have a similar experience to me please reach out. My email is [email protected]
Being back from the Race has been a difficult time for me. I started a relationship, started college, had a relationship end, dealt with feeling like I had absolutely no community, fell back in love with Jesus, decided I was going to Ethiopia, realized I was not called to go to Ethiopia, and here I am still not sure what voice I am hearing in my head when I hear that I am supposed to go overseas long term…. Am I hearing God’s voice or am I hearing my own thoughts? This question creates so much anxiety in me. It makes me feel paralyzed and enables me to think I have absolutely no direction in life. It feels debilitating.
This unfortunately is not something that suddenly happened when I got off the field. I have questioned what God’s voice sounds like for essentially my entire life. My anxiety when I am about to make a big decision spikes, the questions keep coming. What does God’s voice even sound like? What does being obedient to Him even mean? Is there even a God? If I do not do exactly what God has planned for my life, will I throw myself off God’s track forever? Am I REALLY hearing God’s voice or is it some elaborate thing in my head that I am trying to rationalize into being the Holy One? I will tell you that I still do not know the answers to these questions. I am not great at discerning what God tells me to do, pretty much ever. I am probably at the level of Peter when it comes to doubting God and denying Him too many times, but there are so many things I have to remind myself when I am feeling these things.
1. God is so good. He is just so good. The books of the Bible proclaim His Glory. The Earth has so many beautiful creations that simply exclaim how incredibly powerful our God is. There are mountains that show off his greatness. There are oceans that point out his vastness. There are waterfalls that portray His beauty. God is just so amazing and even if I with my tiny brain cannot figure out what He is trying to do in my life, I know that He is good.
2.I cannot mess up God’s plan for my life. Trust me I have tried a lot of times, most of the time unintentionally, to mess up God’s plan for me, but for some reason He continually pulls me back in. I cannot outrun Him. He loves me so deeply that I could run so far and He would still continue to chase me down, every time. He has a plan for my life and even if I do not feel as though I am hearing his voice I know He will use any little obedience I give Him to bring Glory to His Kingdom.
3. The Bible is truth. This is something that took me way too long to figure out as a Christian. Throughout high school and unfortunately throughout most of the Race, the Bible kind of felt like a self help guide. It felt like something for me to look through when I’m struggling or confused on something. It was not something I read to actually know who God is. It was not something I read to learn about the history of how God has worked in this world or how to live my life. I simply tried to diminish God’s Word into a book that works for me when convenient and is wrong when it doesn’t work for me. I realized I was wrong. The Bible is not something that we can water down. The Gospel is important and so are following God’s commands even when, especially when it is difficult.
I am not sure if those points made sense or if they even related to what I first stated which was “am I hearing God’s voice?” The truth is I do not know if I am hearing God’s voice, but I do know that I am striving to hear Him. I am seeking to know Him more intentionally than I ever have before and it is a challenge, but it is good. So who knows if I am hearing God’s voice currently. (I’m sure God knows if I’m hearing His voice) Despite my lack of discernment as to what I am supposed to do over the course of my life, I am learning so much about who God is. I am learning how to follow Him in a way that I never truly stepped into before. I am learning how to proclaim He is Great even when everything else feels so bad. I do not know what God is telling me to do or if I even should go on the international mission field, but I am confident that He will work with whatever I give Him. He will make His Kingdom spread and for now and I pray for the rest of my life that I can be a part of spreading the Kingdom of God.
