Someday I want to be an English teacher, but I’m going to be honest this blog will not be one that is eloquently written. I wrote this text out because I felt so convicted by the Holy Spirit, and it’s something I wanted to share.
I cried twice during the secret church service we had. A lot of it was super convicting. We talked about persecution and Danielle read off statistics and I cried because she said 1 in 9 Christians are persecuted. And my brain being my brain I was like that means 5 people from our squad. Five people who would be persecuted for knowing and proclaiming Jesus.
While she was speaking I thought to myself, what the heck am I doing with my life? Why am I so negative and anxious when this World and the Gospel are so much bigger than I am and so much bigger than I’ll ever be. Another question asked was are you willing to die for Jesus? My immediate reaction was no. It still kind of is, but that in itself is convicting because I would die for literally any person I’ve ever loved. I would die for Keenan, my parents, Lacy, Alex, Logan, Shay, Natalie, Anna yet my immediate reaction to would I die for Jesus was no. That hit me like nothing else. I was like literally I am living a lukewarm faith. I’m acting like this whole Gospel thing isn’t all that important and my insecurities, future, anxieties, life in general are more important than eternity. More important than faith. That realization hit me so freaking hard and it’s not what I wanna be about. I don’t wanna be this selfish whiny girl that doesn’t really care about anything other than her own happiness.
I wanna be someone who does step out in faith. Someone who loves the Lord despite the doubt and despite the insecurities of sharing faith. The Lord has equipped me to be that person, but I push it away due to my own fears. When really God casts out all fears and all anxieties and even when I don’t believe it truth is still truth. Even when I feel like God is fake He isn’t. Even when I’m struggling to spread the Gospel there are Christians everywhere being murdered, harassed, and beaten because they’re sharing their faith or at least living it out. I have no excuse for continuing to live in fear of God being real. I have no excuse for failing to spread his word because he has given me freedom in so many more ways than one.
I do not have a poetic ending to this blog. I do not even have the words to be able to fully explain to you what happened in that room. All I know is I have been struggling with doubt to an extreme for the last two weeks and God showed up even when I expected him not to.
All the Love,
McKenna Flood
