May I just say, I am so lucky to be where I am. I am quite literally swimming in love and support and that’s pretty overwhelming. But sometimes being loved is awkward. I keep getting these very kind, very genuine, very loving comments like “I saw you’re doing this thing! You’re so cool.” Or “You’re doing that one world thing, right?? You must be so excited.” Or “you’re going to do such incredible things!”
So I have to apologize. I’m sorry for treating your very kind, very genuine, very loving comments like they are a wrinkly dollar and I am a picky vending machine withholding your beloved Diet Coke from you. (I stole that analogy from a tumblr and I try to give credit where credit is due, so there you go cool tumblr person).
It makes me feel funny. I’m not cool. I don’t feel cool. I feel like I’m walking into a year of unknowns, and walking into big unknowns makes me feel kind of like a 1st day of school middle-schooler, and we all know how un-cool that can feel. But God is cool. He’s actually deserving of much more epic descriptors than cool, but you probably know that, and you’ll maybe forgive me for only saying cool for the sake of parallelism. He’s got great ideas. 1 Corinthians 1:25 reminded me that God’s worst ideas (do those even exist?) are better than our best. So if he thinks I should do something, I’d be a real big dummy not to do it.
I am excited. I’m very excited. I’m excited to leave routine (Mom, did you ever think I’d say that?) and serve the need at hand. I’m excited to get acquainted with the world and to find out where my gifts and passions can be utilized both during this year and in all the years to come. I won’t say I’m excited, but I am anxiously awaiting being broken by the realities of this world and being put back together by Christ’s perfect love. I’m excited to see the Kingdom being the Kingdom and the Church being the Church in so many different places and so many different ways and to participate in that in any way I can. I’m excited to live in community in such an authentic way. I’m excited to be challenged, to grow, to see that God is so much bigger than I’ve let Him be in my tiny little mind. I’m excited to carry these things and so many more with me for the rest of my life.
So yes, I’m excited. More excited than I can express here. But there are moments, sometimes even hours or maybe even a whole day, where all I can think is “WHAT THE HECK AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO???” and I think that that might be exactly where God wants me. I like to think an adventure isn’t really an adventure unless it makes you uncomfortable, and this is going to be a God sized adventure so it’s only fitting that sometimes it seems daunting and far too big to do myself. We weren’t really made to do anything alone anyway.
Am I going to participate in some really awesome ministries? Things that make a difference? Life changing things? Goodness, I hope so. But again, when those things happen they won’t happen because I’m making them happen. They’ll happen because I’ve said “yes” to being available to being used to be love to others. And honestly, the impact I make will pale in comparison to the impact made on me, and I’m ready for that. I can’t out-love, out-give, out-transform God. He’s going to love me, bless me, transform me far more than I can do any of those things for anyone else. It seems unfair, but I know it will happen. When has grace cared about fair, anyway?
So thank you. Thank you for loving me through your words of support and affirmation. And I’m sorry for sometimes accepting it so awkwardly. And may I ask that you would continue to love me through prayer? Would you pray that I would continue to learn how to trust God completely, that my heart would be humble, and that I would have increasing courage to be obedient to the best God has for me? Because I can’t do this alone.
That would be the neatest.
