Two weeks ago I donned a big black robe, a hood I’m still not sure I wore correctly, a flat hat, and some golden curtain tassels; I walked across a stage when my name was called, shook an official man’s hand, and received a diploma (holder); I celebrated, hugged a lot of people, and got emotional about weird stuff (Flying M’s granola is delicious and I’m really going to miss it, okay???). I packed up four years of Nampa life, watched it drive away to my parents’ house, and took myself, a suitcase, too many books, and my adventure attire to Wenatchee, WA for a chunk of summer. I’m not sure where the line between tornado and whirlwind is, but I think I was walking it.
Actual pic of me at graduation
As graduation approached and passed, I answered a lot of “how does it feel?” inquiries. I don’t know what answer people expected, and I definitely didn’t always say this, but in all honesty, I felt like a fraud. I felt acutely aware of all the times I felt like I barely studied enough, of all the times my professors told me we were just skimming the surface – that reality is so much more complex and grad school courses will expect so much more of us, and the reality that in order to reach my academic and career goals I still have so far to go.
If I’m being super honest with myself (something I’m practicing), I often feel fraud-ish about the Race, about my Christ-likeness. I’m 74 days from launch and I don’t yet know specifically how I’ll be serving overseas. I’m not professionally trained to be in ministry. I haven’t even met my upcoming fundraising deadline. I’m a far cry from loving perfectly, figuring out a good balance of bold and humble, living graciously always, and being so filled with faith that there’s no room for doubt.
I’ve heard it said many times “don’t let good be the enemy of great,” but that part’s relatively easy for me. I’m a born achiever (my no. 2 strength according to StrenghtsFinder 2.0) and pleaser, which means I’m never not looking to get things done at the level of “Exceeds Expectations.” I generally like to start things only when I know I am prepared, when I feel certain of what I am doing, when I feel certain that what I’m doing matches who I am and that I am enough for what I’m about to do so that I know I will not disappoint. Yes, let’s not let good be the enemy of great. Let’s not settle for less than our best, for less than who we were created to be and what we were created to do.
But let’s also not get that distorted such that perfect becomes the enemy of really stinkin good. Let’s not be so concerned with how we might fail that we don’t try at all. Let’s not forget that our God is enough, and because he is, and because he says so, we are enough. We won’t be perfect, but we can be really stinkin good.
The reality of college was that there were plenty of times when I had no idea what I was doing (HELLO, Biochem lab), but the reality is also that I learned a lot. I wasn’t perfect, or the best in my department, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t successfully complete my degree. I can talk to you about more physical, chemical, and biological processes than would be socially appropriate. I even got to wear curtain tassels (honor cords) at graduation to show I did more than just scrape by. Yes, I have a long ways to go, but that doesn’t mean that graduation wasn’t an occasion worth celebrating – how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned, and most importantly, all the people that helped me, challenged me, and shaped me along the way.
So I’m not where I’ll end up on this journey (duh, otherwise it wouldn’t be a journey) of knowing Christ and becoming more like him, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t come a long ways, that I’m not ready for what’s ahead, or that it’s not okay to sometimes stop and stand in awe of how far the Lord and those he’s given me have carried me and how far we’ve journeyed together.
I may be writing this as a reminder for myself, but maybe it can be one for all of us: We are not who we were, we are not yet who we’ll be, but today we are enough.
