I have been home for a little bit over a month now, and I want to apologize for not reaching out to my supporters or writing an update. I have been adjusting and trying to figure out how to fit back into a life that is now unfamiliar to me.
May 18th, 2020. We headed back home from being on the field for 7 months. It was quick, and abrupt. It was traumatizing for me. I remember crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I remember saying bye to squad mates, leadership, and AIM staff. & the night before saying goodbye to three of my teammates. emotions were high, and my heart was grieving from so much heart ache. I remember being on the Airport Shuttle in LA, looking at three of my team mates with utter shock that this was how I was saying goodbye to them. As we got off one by one at all of our own terminals, I felt like everything that had just happened in the last 7 months of my life had so quickly disappeared.
I remember getting my boarding pass, checking my bags in, going through security, and stepping onto a plane alone, for the first time in 7 months. I was scared, I was hurting, I was furious. It felt unfair. All i could do was cry, because I wasn’t prepared to leave this life behind.
I have had a hard time adjusting at home. Im not going to lie. I feel out of place. I feel as if I do not belong here. But I remember one night In Ethiopia, during a worship night, the Lord promised me restoration in my Home town, restoration in my family, restoration in all the things I had once put behind me. So as I sit at home, not surrounded by my usual community, I sit surrounded by a family who loves me so deeply. even on the hard days, even when it doesn’t feel like it. I know it. Some days I sit in tears when I am spending time with my family, because for the first time in 4 years I am Home, and everyone is so grown up, and I feel like I missed out on so many things. As I make these new memories, I desire to not take ONE day for granted. But I am thankful for another chance. The Lord even asked me to pull my application from team leading, sweetly asked me to stay home, to be present. Thankful for another year to be alive and well, and my family be healthy.
But that doesn’t make it any easier, some days I have zero motivation. zero motivation to get up and move. zero motivation to spend time with the Lord. I just want to sit and be sad. I want to sit and look back in the most unhealthy ways. I just sit and dwell. Some days I stand in the mirror looking at myself with complete disgust. I sit and cant stand my image. my face is broke out, i’ve gained weight adjusting to eating habits back home, and my hair, let’s not even talk about it ha. It’s been so much easier to fall into a victim mindset. to be negative, and to fall into everything the world says. everything that is surrounding me. somedays I feel like I am not growing. some days I just want to completely give up. I’ve wanted to put my feelings into a blog, but that even took me a month to do. some days I feel like I have no one around me who understands me, or understands my tender heart.
However, I will not compare my adjusting and my growing, to everyone else experience, because we are all different. Im growing and learning everyday. Im fighting off bad habits, and trying to stick with the ones I’ve gained and learned while on the race. Im not where I want to be, but the Lord is still working in me. All while learning to be happy and learning that its ok not to be ok. I’m learning, and growing, and loving, and doing hard things, making hard decisions, all for the well-being of me, and who I have become. Im fighting for myself harder than I ever had. Im willing to sacrifice things to put myself in a position to fight for my relationship with the Lord. This is all very new to me, and some days all I wish it to be back in guatemala, ethiopia, or even thailand, however, that is not where the Lord has me right now. He has me here as a time of now. I am home, and the Lord is working in, and through me. Not in big increments, but small, and that is ok. Im taking everyday, day by day.
But to everyone who has supported me through this journey, I send my love, hugs, kisses and prayers your way. I thank you for believing in me, and loving me so well. Heres to a new season, that will be just as good as the old one. love yall!
you can follow my instagram if you would like, mayypelep is where I post most things, but I will not being using my blog anymore!! thank you guys :,)
