In the first blog post that I wrote, I talked about my journey with an anxiety disorder and how, even with the disorder, I was led to a trip such as this. This is, in a way, a sequel to that post.
In this blog post, I’m going to be honest: having an anxiety disorder is very hard.
It’s hard that no matter how real I know it is, I will always wonder if I’m just making up the anxiety that I’m feeling.
It’s hard on days like today, when for literally no reason, my anxiety becomes so intense that it feels like I’m going to explode.
It’s hard knowing that there will always be people who think I’m just being dramatic, lazy, or seeking attention.
It’s hard that no matter how much they want to understand, unless the people around me have experienced anxiety, they will never fully comprehend what I’m feeling. They will never understand how an unseen thing can have such a big impact on me. They will never understand why the quirks that I have and weird little things that I do are necessary. Sometimes it’s hard not having someone who really knows what you’re feeling.
It’s hard that the smallest, dumbest things randomly give me anxiety, even though I know fully well that there’s no reason for it.
Considering I have lived with this disorder for nearly 13 years, I know when I’m feeling a panic attack coming on, what I have to do, and what I need in order to maintain my mental health. It has been a tough journey, and as I explained above, it is still really difficult. Despite this, however, I have definitely seen good come out of it. In my life, I have been through a lot of trials, but through them, I have learned that it is best not to dwell on the bad because God will always bring light to it.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” ~ James 1: 2-4
Through my disorder, both throughout my life and on this trip, I have seen good.
First and foremost, it has shaped who I am today, and has provided me with maturity, wisdom, and empathy that I would not have without it.
On this trip, it has allowed me to see the beautiful hearts of the people around me, two situations specifically sticking out in my mind. Back in Quito, I had a panic attack, and my lovely squadmate Paul sat and talked with me as I was recovering from it, completely distracting me from what I was feeling, and helping me feel 100 times better without even realizing it. Just today, my team leader Jordan allowed me to go home during ministry because of how awful I was feeling, even though I know she didn’t fully understand what I was going through. Both of those instances meant more to me than one could ever imagine.
My disorder has allowed me to help other people who are going through similar circumstances, which, to me, is such a privilege. I have sat with people and helped them through panic attacks, providing a comfort that I wish I had had when I was first experiencing panic attacks. I have had the opportunity to speak to people, both individuals and large crowds, about my disorder, and helped them to know that having a disorder does not make them broken, “crazy,” or incapable of great things.
When I am wishing my disorder would go away, I think about just before I left for my trip when a girl I had never talked to – who knew nothing about me – approached me, and told me that God told her that I will save lives because of my disorder.
Finally, and most importantly, it has allowed me to feel the love of God and witness how incredible He is in ways that I could have never imagined. Countless times, I have felt an incredibly palpable comfort and relief from my anxieties wash over me, simply because I prayed. When having a panic attack, I have been fully comforted by my Heavenly Father in ways that still surprise me. Even though I cannot see Him, I can always feel His presence. I have the incredible gift of knowing that no matter where I am or what I’m going through, He is always with me.
Anxiety is the worst – I think anyone who has dealt with it will agree with me on that. There are definitely times when I wish it wasn’t something that I have to deal with, but considering all the good that God has done through it already, and everything I know He will do in the future, I can always look at the light that comes from it when I’m in the midst of the darkness. I’m so thankful that no matter what I am experiencing, God is always there.
“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” ~ Psalm 94:19
Side note: I am still $2,875 USD away from being fully funded!! In order to stay on this trip, I need to be fully funded, so please consider donating if you’re able! Thank you for all of your support and prayers so far!
