I’m trying to draw lines for myself. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous, but sometimes we have to do these things to lead ourselves into some form of truth. I suppose you could say that in some way I’m disciplining myself so that I don’t do or say something that I will later regret.
I’ve grown to really enjoy writing and I’m a bit ashamed, saddened, disheartened… or something… that I haven’t been able to do more of it this year. My resources have been severely limited and then going the last four months without a computer has proven to make things even more difficult. I just can’t seem to steal away time to run away and write; to try to grow a gift that I believe the Lord has given me.
I’ve had a lot of different things spoken to me over the course of this year, several of which, involve this whole “writing ability”. I think it’s cool because it’s a love of mine, something I truly wish to excel in, not for my own glory but so that the truth and reality of the Kingdom might be more clearly communicated, communicated to a generation that’s hungering for something more than it’s being fed in our ever-increasingly complacent society.
Yet I can’t flee the conviction of old habits.
Being away from the Church in America – the audience I tend to write to – has made writing to it quite difficult. My heart’s probably softened quite a bit and I don’t view the Church anymore with such cynicism and distaste… and it’s harder to speak towards it with sarcasm. Beforehand I was reluctant to even associate myself with the Christianity that we see reflected in the Church body in the States. I just get bored, frustrated, and righteously angered at all of the traps we set for ourselves, many of them being denominational barriers, theological doctrines, and our classic arguments of who’s rights and who’s wrongs.
It just gets old after awhile.
And I suppose that I really desire to awaken my prophetic voice that God’s allowed me to grow in this year. Maybe since I’ve been growing in it I shouldn’t acknowledge it as being in a state of slumber, although I feel that when it comes to words on a page I’ve successfully neglected that which the Lord desires to speak through me (again, lack of resources).
But I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t bash the Church. I don’t see the body in the States as a hopeless cause… and maybe that’s a hard concept to grasp for some, but I look at the bones of it and I see an army. I see us waking up and becoming something better than we already are. I see us radiating with a holy glow that’s reflective of our Bridegroom.
We need to get ourselves ready for a wedding!
I’m starting to have eyes that instead of seeing faults, see areas of living to infect with Love. And maybe that’s how I’m growing. I’m growing in a way that enables me to see more clearly with Love… not judgment or condemnation. If there is no condemnation in Christ (Rm. 8.1-2), why the hell did I throw it around so flippantly beforehand? I may have masked it with sarcasm, but I condemned!
Yep.
And so I suppose I’m writing this to say that I’m changed. I’m changed. I’m not going to tell the Church it’s a hopeless case, bound to wickedness, and doomed for destruction. There is restoration and there is ALWAYS hope. May truth forevermore pour from my lips and run through my fingertips to the page.
God help me.
