Sometimes I feel this conviction that I stopped putting myself into the things that I write. It takes too much out of me some days to sit down and pour my heart onto paper. I know that people tell me time and time again that I need to let my heart flow through my pen, but sometimes it’s just so hard to do because it truly is the yielding of the self to the page, much like it is yielding ourselves to love.
This is something that God has been teaching me a great deal of lately: love. And I suppose it is a good thing seeing as He is Love itself. So not only am I learning how to walk in love, but I’m learning more about the character of my heavenly Father. I suppose that’s more important than anything else. I think too many times our relationship with the Lord becomes really one-sided. We focus so much on the ‘me, me, me’ of it that we forget about Him. If you think about it, that’s kind of unfair. I came to this realization last week when Caroline brought it up. I felt really convicted and realized that I was guilty of selfishness. 
But, again, the Lord is teaching me a lot about His love. It’s a funny thing, too, because we can easily read about it and think that we know everything, but it’s entirely different when it comes to letting His love consume us. I’ve reached this point where I’m fully aware of God’s love for me, yet I don’t think I’m really to that full awareness. I’m still struggling with letting His love consume me to the point that it pours forth from me naturally.
Because I still have a problem loving others.
And no, I’m not any kind of superhero because I’ve given up a year of my life to missions, to chasing Jesus around the globe and trying to find the Kingdom in the dark places. No. That’s nothing. I feel rather pathetic that I had to leave my home in order to come to an awareness of the Lord’s love for me, an awareness that will quietly draw me into a love for others. And just because I’m sitting in a third-world country writing this does not mean I’m good at loving people. I’m still learning how to take baby-steps.
It’s still incredibly easy for me to pass people on the street, you know, those invisible faces that stretch out their hands begging you for some kind of mercy. Yeah… I can’t even look them in the eye. I feel so ashamed for ignoring them because, well, they get ignored every day. As a Christian I feel obligated to “love” them. But that’s just it: I want my love to be sincere.
And maybe it takes more practice than anything else, practice that I haven’t had yet. It’s not that I haven’t had the opportunity to love. I try to love every day. I love this crazy bunch of people that I live with. They do numerous things that drive me up the wall, but I love them out of sincerity. I love the little kids that we play with and tutor at the orphanges. Some days are easier than others because I’m still learning how to love little kids and not run away from the ankle-biters in fear. And God daily gives me the opportunity to love the beggars on the street because I see them every day as they approach me and make my heart swell with hesitation.
I’m still growing in His love.
It makes me wonder whether I’ve recognized the full potential that the Lord’s love is for me. In other words, when will I realize that God loves me so much that I know He loves others just the same, that I’ll want to share that love with them? Does that make sense?
It’s easy to feel like a failure in love. But I think we need to realize that we all mature at different levels. So before any of you respond with “don’t be so hard on yourself” or something else ridiculous like that, realize that I’m fully aware of where I’m at in my growth, which I feel I’ve failed to communicate effectively. I’ve written about God’s love before and some of my frustrations that lay within that and others. And I realize that what I’m most critical of in others, I’m merely criticizing within myself.
Point is: God’s teaching me a lot about His love. This is merely the tip of the iceberg and I wish that I could convey everything a lot better with words. If I had a challenge to leave you with it would be this: to walk in love. It sounds simple, but it’s a complex truth that I think we all wrestle with on a daily basis whether we want to own up to it or not.
I’m just admitting my problems.
I’m no super-Christian.
