I was reading through some of my old blog posts and I ran across this. I find it amusing that I always tell people February 13,2007 is when my life radically changed. I started following Jesus. After 7 years of being a “Christian,” I finally decided to turn to Jesus. And to be honest, I had no recollection that I even wrote this… but I think it’s awesome that I did.
If you had asked me when I penned these words what I would be doing a year from then – I would have told you I was going to be a youth pastor. Instead, I’m immersed in homeless ministry, following Jesus in a way that’s offensive even to my own way of life (but in a good way), and I’m set-up to travel the world in ’08 growing the Kingdom. Thank you Jesus for messing up my plans…
Loss at living….
February 13, 2007
I’ve
been really frustrated lately. I can’t quite put my finger on it, other
than I know that I’ve completely and totally had my fill with myself.
Seriously. I can’t stand myself or the person that I’ve become. It
angers me. I feel like the worlds largest hypocrite. I feel like I’ve
succeeded in becoming America’s idea of a Christian.
I’m tired of not following Jesus.
I
know people would willingly argue with me and say that I do.
Unfortunately, these people don’t know what goes on inside of my heart.
These people don’t know the way that I act when they’re not around.
Currently,
I’ve been chasing this stupid idea of Jesus that media and culture and
even the church at large has pounded into my brain. It’s a Jesus that’s
okay with chasing himself. It’s a Jesus that turns the other way when
it sees something it doesn’t want to. It’s a Jesus that hangs out with
people just like him. It’s a Jesus that wears funny tshirts. It’s a
Jesus that listens to emo music and drives a sweet SUV. It’s a Jesus
that’s okay reaching out to only upper-middle class families that have
it all together. It’s a Jesus that ignores everything he ever said.
That’s not the Jesus I encountered.
That’s not the Jesus that slapped me in the face.
That’s not the Jesus I know.
I’m writing this to say: I’m done. I’m done running after something so
shallow. End this scene. Instead, I want something that’s going to
radically change me. Transform me. I want something that I can share
with others. I want something that will ruin others’ lives. I want
another chance at getting it right, but having the grace to mess it up.
heard a lot of arguements against that statement. Unfortuantely, I
don’t agree with any of them. “Be like yourself, why would you want to
be someone else?” “Be who God made you to be.” I can do that. I will be
that. But understand first that I’m going to embrace my role as a
disciple. I want to be a disciple. I want to radically embrace Jesus. I
want to shower myself in the identity that I now have in him.
want to be the hands and feet of love that those people don’t ever see
when standing on a street corner. I want to be the shoulder that
someone can cry on when they’re beaten. I want to be the one that those
people can talk to when they’re lonely. I want to be the one that
doesn’t think twice, but just acts on the impulse of love. I want to
love for Jesus’ sake. I want to share the story of the man that killed
me. I want to see others inherit the kingdom. But honestly, I don’t
know what I want to be. I want to be whatever this way of living will
require.
