Loving thru Paralysis

Standing inside of the coffee shop, I was secretly hoping
that they wouldn’t see me. I tend
to like watching them from a distance, instead of actually interacting with
them. There’s something about
being removed from them that brings me comfort. All I could think about was how uncomfortable I could
potentially be. Fortunately, the
barista snapped me out of it by announcing that my drink was ready.

 

As I walked down the street back towards the hostel, I
wondered why I have such a fear, why I almost become paralyzed whenever they’re
around. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s that I’m genuinely
terrified. Of what? I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s intimacy.
I just wish that I could say.

 

 

Kelly had swept one of them into her arms while inside of an
ice cream shop I was passing. I
stood in disbelief. They
laughed. I stood in more disbelief
as fear started paralyzing my limbs.
I couldn’t move. Andi came
over and started talking to me, but all I could do was keep my eyes trained on
the one Kelly wasn’t holding. What if it came over? What if it stood there looking me in
the eye with that longing to be held?
I was absolutely terrified.

 

I’m not sure when my fear of kids started. I can remember being a kid myself and I
wasn’t exactly scared of my peers.
In fact, I liked hanging out with the select few I chose to become
friends with. Unfortunately, as
soon as I hit college something else hit me too. God only knows what.
I just know that it’s been hard for me to be around kids. It’s not that I don’t enjoy them; I
just don’t know what to do. I
don’t know how to act. I don’t know
what’s okay and what’s not, and I’m terrified that I’ll make them cry.

 

The other night I was sitting in worship with the October
2009 World Race squad. Lately it’s
been hard for me to feel what other
people are feeling. Empathy is not
a strong suit of mine. In fact,
someone could probably tell me a ridiculously sad story and I’d struggle to
feel bad for them. My heart rarely
breaks for the things that break the heart of God, I think.

 

So I sat there and asked the Lord how to peel away the
layers of callousness on my heart, how to break down the walls that I’ve
subconsciously built. And can you
believe what He had the nerve to say?
He said, “love children.”

 

 

That’s all He had to say to me. Can you believe it?
Nothing else and nothing more on the issue. God wants me to dive head-first into one of the most
paralyzing fears that I have – children – all for the purpose of growing into a
greater love for the rest of humanity (in which our inheritance as Christians
is tied).

 

Trust me, I sat there and prayed even harder for God to give
me a different answer, but it’s all that He kept saying.

 

The next morning I woke up early and walked down the cobblestone
streets of Antigua in route to get my morning cup of coffee. The streets were scarce of the foot
traffic that’s normally found there during the day, yet there were the few who
were on their way to work or school.
I found myself amidst a lot of locals.  And outside of the coffee shop I was headed to, guess who
was there?

 

I little boy, I’m sure no older than three years old, and he
was standing by himself in clothes that he had obviously been wearing for
days. In his hands he had an
unopened Coke can. His eyes
searched the streets for something, I still don’t know what.  Then our eyes locked.

 

He looked at me, smiled shyly, and rolled the Coke can on
the sidewalk between the feet of those walking by. And he kept looking at me – and I at him. I smiled back as I felt butterflies in
my stomach. He giggled and I
walked over.

 

It’s just the beginning to a greater journey of love for God’s
children.