I think that too many times I neglect writing about what’s
really going on inside of my heart because I’m afraid to stare at it and maybe,
just maybe, if I stare at it long enough it might begin to own me – it might
become a reality, something that’s true and I have to commit myself to. Naturally, I’m the type of person who’s
afraid of commitment, even in the least bit, so this is a challenging post for
me in having to own up to what’s really going on.
There’s a death-match happening in my spirit. It’s between who I am when I’m with people
and who I am when I’m by myself. In the
last few years, I’ve grown fonder of one over the other and anyone who knows me
knows which one that is.
Let’s just say I like to be away from people more often than
not.
This community thing is killing me. And I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, I’m
just going to say that it kind of sucks some days – those days that I really
want to myself. I don’t know how many
times I just want to retreat and be somewhere for eight hours so I can sit,
think, and write things out. It’s just
the way I process and there has been virtually no opportunity for it since I’ve
left the States. I love holing myself up
in the back of a coffee shop with the pure intention of hashing through my heart. The problem?
There are no “coffee” shops to disappear in for a few
hours.
So right now I’m sitting in a hotel lobby with three amazing
children of God, but even then – I’m still with people from this “community”
that I want to escape from so badly. I
just have this desire to run away and no matter how hard I want to, God keeps
me from doing so. I’m going to safely
assume that it’s a good thing I can’t run.
Maybe the Lord’s trying to keep me from making a stupid mistake in
embracing my old self.
I guess I just feel like I’m being molded into a brand new
person. Even the way that I think is
changing, which is maybe why I feel so frustrated. I’m feeling less cynical than I used to and
in many ways I’m starting to get outside of myself.
But it’s causing problems.
There’s this wall constructing itself between subjectivity
and objectivity. And when it comes to
reflecting on my own little world, it’s becoming more objective which is a
major handicap when it comes to taking a hard look in the mirror at
myself. I feel far removed from all that’s
going on and I’m not sure where my place is to stand amongst it all. I picture myself standing in front of ruins
and can’t quite find the words to explain how it’s the perfect picture of my
own life. My only option is to stand
there gaping at what the heck has just happened in the world I was once in.
And maybe in a lot of ways, I’m not entirely sure how I need
to grow outside of that – or in it for that matter. It’s tough when I start feeling detached from
myself and my own heart. I went from
feeling revolutionary over a month ago to ordinary in the same amount of time. Living day to day the way I am now stopped
being a surprise about three weeks ago. And
it’s one of those things that the longer you’re inside of it, the more you take
advantage of all that is offers because you don’t realize you have it so
good.
I’m finding myself ready to be plucked from it again so I
have the chance of recognizing a reality of goodness I’ve unintentionally
blinded myself to.
Maybe this isn’t what it should be, but I sure wish that it
was. I’m just tired of feeling like
sludge when it comes to being who I am.
And maybe now I’m really
starting to struggle with this – with this whole identity issue. I blame it on this constant “community”
thing. I just so desperately want to
surround myself with something familiar so I can resurrect what I liked about
myself before, but it’s not an option.
I just want to be in the city to reflect on things for a few
weeks and then come back into this, but at the same time I guess that erases
any hope for any degree of abandonment.
And I guess that even that says something: if we like who we are, maybe
we’re not who we really should be.
I never thought that being smashed and thrown back down on
the Potter’s wheel could suck so bad, especially when the future seems so far
away – the future being my return to the States and all that I knew to be
familiar and normal, and now knowing that it’s a far cry from what I’ll be used
to in another 10 months. I honestly just
feel stuck. I feel like my feet are
planted firmly in a place of resistance.
I need someone to come in and break me free.
For the first time, I’m pleading for some help. Guidance seems so distant from where I’m at,
so detached. I just need someone to
break into my heart and help me sort through things. Because of this community crew that likes to
mess with my heart by never leaving me alone, I’m unsure what I need any more
to just ‘be’.
Welcome to my heart, friends. I’ve cracked open the chamber and, honestly,
there’s no going back. I just want to be
real and open with you. This is the
middle of the process – the middle of God jacking with what I’ve made of
myself.
“We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”
– Isaiah 64.8
