The first two months of the Race had been pretty good in regards to missing home and my family. That would all change on a blistering hot day in Bolivia.
It was about mid-morning on a monday and we were washing the walls at our ministry site RTC (which stands for Radio Television Caranavi) when all of a sudden i found myself very emotional. I had my headphones in listening to Elevation Worship but i knew the tears coming from my eyes were not just because of the beautiful music. I began to sob like a baby while trying to keep it together and not let anyone see me in that state. In that moment, an overwhelming feeling of homesickness had hit me like a freight train. I was very confused because i could not pinpoint what was causing the sudden sadness.
I immediately knew that i had to go get internet so i could talk to my parents and explain what was going on. I had sent my mom a text and before we even began a conversation the first thing i said was “mom, am i a quitter if i want to come home”? We went back and forth for a while but i still couldn’t shake the emotions that i was having. I had also texted my sister during this same time and after she had given me some tough love, i was pretty shook up. My team leader Jonny was so gracious to give me the rest of the day off to gather my thoughts and get myself back together.
The next day was much like the day before and at that point, i was consumed with the idea of home and leaving the Race. I had voiced what was going on with Jonny and Zach and they gave me some good wisdom but i more or less let it go in one ear and out the other. I began to reason with myself and tried to convince my mind that going home would be better than what i was doing. I started thinking of all the things that i could do back home that sounded great but in reality were my own selfish desires. I was not having fun anymore and i no longer had any interest in being on the Race. I was so confused during this time trying to seek the Lord and figure out His direction for me.
I woke up every day for the rest of the week and the only thing on my mind was getting to the internet so that i could talk to my family and friends and convince them that coming home was my best option. I spent those few days talking with them for a couple of hours each but wasn’t noticing that all of those times spent talking to them was not helping me. I was losing sight of God and the fact that HE was the one that i needed to be spending my time talking to. In my selfish mind, i had the grand idea that i could figure this all out on my own and boy was i wrong. The truth of the matter is, we can’t do this life thing on our own and without God we have no chance so if there is anyone out there who lives by the motto of “i got this” then you better check yourself.
By saturday i had all but made up my mind that i was going home and it would take a miracle to stop me. I will be totally honest and vulnerable and say that i even went as far as looking up airfares for a flight home. It was that night that i finally broke down and began to cry out to God and dig into His word to see what He was trying to speak to me. I was just about to go to bed on monday night a week after all of this first started when i came across 1 John 2:16,17. “For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.” It was like a rushing wind had come over me and right then and there i felt the Lord tell me that i was directly in His will where He wanted me and that i didn’t need to go anywhere. I was no longer broken and distraught once God showed me that i needed to fully depend on Him for everything in my life.
I write this blog in hopes of painting a picture of what the reality is to be away from the comforts of home for 11 months. I believe i would be doing a disservice to those of you reading this if i sugar coated what this journey really looks like. I wish that i could say its all peaches and cream and that everything is going to be perfect but i can’t. The Race is hard. REAL HARD. It also can be very beautiful if you look in the right places when those hard moments come up. I didn’t necessarily like what my sister had to say but you know what? It was TRUTH and lets face it, some of us out there need to hear some of that TRUTH in our lives. Amen? I encourage everyone whether you’re on the Race or going on the Race or just in normal everyday life, don’t try and handle difficult situations on your own. Its alright to seek wisdom from your loved ones and those around you but do yourself a favor and seek God for all of the answers. I promise you that HE knows best.
