“But God had so much loving-kindness. He loved us with such a great love. Even when we were dead because of our sins, He made us alive by what Christ did for us. You have been saved from the punishment of sin by His loving-favor.”
Ephesians 2:4-5
On April 26th, my squad and I were spending the night in Chiclayo, Peru, during a bus-layover on our way to Ecuador. My new team (who also happens to be super awesome) and I were looking for something to do to kill time while in the city. We decided to walk to the town center, where we found a huge Catholic cathedral. We thought it would be fun to explore, and also use the opportunity to spend some time with the Lord. Taking a seat in one of the pews with my team to pray, I was reminded of all the Sundays I spent as a child, in a church much like this one. I remember wondering if there was more to God than what I was learning in CCD (“Confraternity of Christian Doctrine,” which basically is the Roman Catholic religious education program for children). I began to pray, thanking God for all that He had done…for showing me His love, grace, and mercy…through all the highs and lows of my life. I thanked Him for putting the World Race on my heart, and for growing me into the man of God that I am now. When I finished my prayer, I began to look around at the church. This church was so much like the many cathedrals I had visited during my lifetime (believe me – I have visited MANY!). There were statues, paintings, and stained glass images, depicting saints, Jesus, Mary, and other holy figures. In the past, whenever I looked at these images, they didn’t mean much to me; but on this particular day, something was different. The stained glass really stood out. It was not necessarily the images that appeared on the glass, but the stained glass itself that made me think.
As the sun shone through from behind the stained glass, the image was just so beautiful…crystal clear, in full color with every little detail visible. But once the sun disappeared, the image became dull and flat, making it difficult to even see at all. An analogy immediately popped into my head. I thought of how, as human beings, we are “stained” with sin from birth, in much the same way that the glass is “stained” with an image. In Romans 5:2 it states:
Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned.
There is really no getting around the fact that because of the fall of man, we are all sinners. But there is good news: with the Lord’s help, sin can be washed away and we can become new creations!
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9
This got me thinking about my own story and how much the Lord’s light shone through all the dark “stained glass” in my life during the last nine months on the World Race. As many of you already know, I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for a little over two years. During that time, I moved away from home, was forbidden to speak to family or friends, and was beaten both emotionally and physically on a daily basis. A little less than two and a half years ago, by the grace of God, that relationship came to an end. Since then, I have been on a journey of healing and self-discovery. I sought the help of a Christian counselor, and began serving at my church by making videos. My relationship with the Lord began to grow exponentially as I started to see how the Lord was moving in my life, and how He never left me through all of the difficult times. When I was being hit, He was there. When I was being called every evil name imaginable, He was there. I know that I would not be here on the mission field today if the Lord wasn’t by my side during those times.
So, when I felt the Lord calling me to the World Race, I thought my healing process was complete; little did I know how wrong I really was. During month one, I was all about sharing my testimony and speaking with total vulnerability with my team. What I didn’t realize was how deep those scars from my past actually went. It really hit me when I was thinking back on my World Race journey up to this point. I suddenly realized that I never got emotional or cried when we left a ministry site, or when we left people whom we had built awesome relationships with. This was definitely an oddity for me, because growing up, my parents would always say I was “the emotional one.” I was the one who always connected with others on an emotional level, and became heartbroken when that connection was lost. For as long as I can remember, I allowed my emotions to guide me, even though I knew it probably wasn’t the best way to operate. This same strategy led me into bad situations, including the abusive relationship that held me captive for so long. I was truly “in love,” and I allowed my heart to rule my actions, casting all reason aside. I thought that by staying, I was helping my girlfriend “get better,” making it less taxing on me emotionally in the long run.
In that instant, just like the sun shining from behind that stained glass window, it was all becoming clearer to me now! I remembered that during month one, when my team members would share their problems and testimonies with me, I never connected on an emotional level with them. I shared my story with them and remember always thinking in my head, “Well, you just have to get over it, because I did!” After months of thinking this way, the Lord finally revealed that it was ME who had a problem…
…My heart had become hardened.
My stained glass had no light of the Lord behind it; I was looking at the world through a dark and gloomy lense.
Once the Lord revealed this to me, I began to pray and ask God how to navigate these murky waters. How could I become an emotional person once again…a person who had the ability to feel for people on the level that I once did? The Lord showed me that I needed to look at others through His eyes. It was as simple as that. There was no trick, no mysterious plan.
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27
Like it says in Genesis, we are created in His image. So, that means we should love and care for others just as God loves and cares for us. Once I began to put this into practice, I was able to find a balance between being empathetic toward my teammates, while using sound judgement as well. This was such an important lesson for me to learn.
As I allowed that light of Christ to re-enter my life, my hardened heart and gloomy outlook were replaced by love and sensitivity. And I know that if I allow Him to, God will continue to meet my most pressing needs and help me to grow more like Him, just as He will do for you. Each day, there is something we can learn about growing in faith and love.
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
Colossians 2:6-7
As we become rooted in Him, He will grow us into His people, and we will more easily be able to see the growth happening in our own lives. In my case, I was able to discern when to act with logic and when to allow my emotions to enter into the situation.
The stained glass window analogy called to mind a song by one of my favorite bands, Switchfoot. In the song Where the Light Shines Through, it says:
‘Cause your scars shine like dark stars
Yeah, your wounds are where the light shines through
So let’s go there, to that place where
We sing these broken prayers where the light shines through
We all bear the scars of things that once controlled us. But if we choose, we can allow the Light of Christ to shine through those scars. Those scars are opportunities for growth. Those scars are opportunities for healing. Those scars are opportunities for Jesus to step into our lives and say, “I love you…I’ve got this.” Those scars may have been caused by tragedy and pain, but let’s not miss the opportunity for allowing the Lord to use them for His glory (roughly what Genesis 50:20 states)! Not only can God bring us through that pain and tragedy, but our experiences of triumphing over our tragedy can be the light that helps others get through their darkest time. The song says that we can sing our scars as prayers to the Lord. His light will shine through those broken places, just like the stained glass, and make it beautiful:
I wanna see that light shining
Brighter than the pain
We need to see God’s light shining through WAY brighter than the pain that caused the scars (cracks) in our lives. How cool is that? The Lord wants nothing more than to shine His light in our darkness. Ask to receive His light and allow it to shine through. Once again, it is THAT SIMPLE.
God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.
Genesis 1:4
Back to the cathedral…After we left, I shared with my teammates what God had shown me about the stained glass and how it gave me a whole new perspective on what He was doing in my life. One of my teammates told me of a sermon she heard about how we are like stained glass…sometimes fragmented and broken into tiny little pieces. However, once you take a step back, you see a beautiful work of art, in which all those fragments are necessary! That’s exactly how God sees us – as that beautiful artwork, that He will ALWAYS shine His light, His glory, His forgiveness, and His lovingkindness through to make us beautiful. I can tell you that He has done this for me countless times, and I know He will do the exact same thing for you!
Now this brings me back, full circle, to the question I had as that child, sitting in the pews of my church. Is there more to God than what I was learning? And by now, I’m sure you know the answer – Absolutely! I have experienced the answer in my own life. I have experienced my broken, fragmented, dark stained glass of a life being changed by God’s mercy and redemption shining through it.
I’m not saying that what I learned in church was wrong. But I AM saying that perhaps it was missing the most important information. As Christians, we NEED to see God differently. We need to see Him not only as a God we turn to in times of trouble, but rather, a God that is with us at ALL times that we can have an ongoing relationship with. We can learn from His teachings and from our relationship with Him. We can stand firm knowing that, although we are sinners, Jesus Christ paid the price for our sins. It bears repeating:
He has made us alive by what Christ did for us because he loves us so much. We have been saved from the punishment of sin by His loving favor.
Ephesians 2:4-5
As Christians, we all have scars and dark spots in our lives, but rather than reflect on them, we have to give those to the Lord and let Him heal us and use them for His glory. We should not be ashamed of those scars, because they are where HIS light shines through!
P.S.
I just want to thank everyone who reached out and supported me emotionally after the loss of all my camera equipment. Your prayers and kind words are like God’s light and love shining through the cracks left behind by the huge loss. Although it is a daily struggle waking up with the knowledge that I have no way of capturing all that God is doing here in Ecuador, I know God has a plan to use my circumstances for His glory. This month, my team and I are working with CRU (Campus Crusade for Christ), spending our time sharing with college kids about the love and salvation of Jesus. I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome it has been to see hurting men and women who are seeking answers to their daily struggles, simply light up when we tell them about our loving God. Please pray for these students to have open hearts to hear the Good News, and for us to clearly share His message of mercy and love as He speaks through us. I know God is doing a good work here, because the enemy is working overtime it seems – the other day while my team was traveling to one of the college campuses, we got on a crowded bus (like SUPER DUPER crowded, with no room to move a muscle). Quito, Ecuador is known for theft and pickpocketing, and when we hopped off the bus, I realized my phone was no longer in my pocket, even though my hand was in my pocket the entire time (literally insane). So now, I am no longer just camera-less; I am also phone-less, with absolutely no means of taking pictures or communicating with anyone without my computer. This also adds to the burden I will have once I return home, in order to be in a position to look for a job! But once again, I am choosing to go out on a limb and trust the Lord; I know He has a plan in all this craziness. Although I am not comfortable in this position, I am following the Lord’s prodding to give Him the opportunity to work in my life by asking for help. He has promised to provide all I need, including the means to replace what has been stolen. If you feel the Lord speaking to you, I would greatly appreciate any financial contribution you feel led to make in order to help me continue my journey. Truly, no contribution is too small and would help me get back on my feet, and really allow me to see the Lord at work.
As always, thank you for following me on my journey!
My Paypal account is: paypal.me/mattcotov
