This may not be the most fun or catchy blog I’ve written. There aren’t going to be any pictures or videos or something else to catch your eye. I often share about the logistics of what life’s like on the World Race, but sometimes I like to sprinkle in what God is doing in me, what is going on in my heart, and how I’m working internally. This takes a lot of energy and is draining for me, but I want to share it with you as often as I can. Most of the time it will be raw and not overly edited. Just a glimpse into my spirit and how messed up things can be for a follower of Christ. Maybe someone of you can relate…
Connecting with an invisible God in a personable way has always been something I’ve viewed as nearly impossible. I tend to view God as this impersonal force that may listen to me, but any concern he has for me and my life doesn’t lead Him to move in any way. There’s no relationship there and prayer isn’t going to change anything or make Him interact with me more. On my best days I see God as the backroom watchmaker…sure he created the universe and us, but now it’s hands off and we’re left on this spinning planet to somehow live out what we read in Scripture without any help from our Creator. I’ll go through the motions and pray to God…but I don’t have any real hope that he’ll come through. My prayers are dull and lifeless because although I may feel like I’m being heard, I also feel like I’m having a one-sided conversation with someone who isn’t going to be moved into any action. I feel like nothing I do can make a difference…no amount of faith or expectation. It’s easier to not expect anything from God so when nothing happens, I’m not disappointed or let down.
I try to trick myself into saying that something happened because I prayed about it, but deep down I’m thinking that here is another case where my prayers and a random occurrence just happen to align. I tell myself that it must be my fault…something I’m doing…or not doing. I wish I could have more faith, be more holy, live more righteously, but I just don’t know how to do these things without God’s help. And since I feel like He doesn’t interact with me, it’s hard not to get a little depressed and wonder how that things could ever get better.
What do we truly want in life? I think when we answer this question it tells a story all on its own. Sure we want to have security, be financially stable, have great friendships, be part of a loving family, etc. As we dig deeper I think some of would even say we want to be a better Christian, to live more selflessly, to love people better, to have a lasting impact on people’s lives. But is that all we really want out of life? Are those the most important things to us? I think all of these wants stem from one major issue that I long for, but somehow think is impossible to achieve…intimacy with God. Sure I have a bunch of things I’d like, even noble things that I want, but when it all boils down, I’d rather trade those things for a relationship with God….wouldn’t you? If you could connect with, have a relationship, be intimate with your Creator, with the being that loves you more than you love yourself, with a God that longs to see you embrace him and step into a calling that will draw you to him, wouldn’t you trade anything for it…everything for it?
Too many times I get caught up in what I think I should be doing for God or am sidetracked because I’m petitioning God to fix something and I need to realize while those things may be justified and even good, the thing I need first and foremost is to be in relationship with God. I know I’m not sure how to do this or if I’ll ever completely understand how to be in true relationship with God, but I long to grow in this more and more. I feel like I should have come to this conclusion a long time ago, but God is revealing this to me now, at this time, in this place. I don’t know exactly how this works, but I do know that without God, without a connection with him, life is at best a wasteland with little hope and even littler reason to live for anything other than myself. I’m tired of pretending that my relationship with God looks like something it doesn’t. I’m tired of putting on a front so people won’t get nervous that I’m “off track” and try to fix me. I’m really just tired of not being in communion with the one person that I long for more than anything or anyone else.
